Poem: I Wonder

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hjm

I Wonder

I wonder… why don’t you see,
the catastrophic pain inflicted on this family?
The broken relationships, the angst, the fear,
the hatred, the hurt. It’s all so near.

I wonder… what are you blinded by,
a disease so strong to have consumed the light?
Left in darkness, a hole, a blockage you can’t pass.
Please answer me this, how long will it last?

I wonder… when will you say the right things,
to relieve the pain and suffering?
The blank stares, the back turned, in dismay.
Why can’t you face me, not walk away?

I wonder… what do you feel,
something so destructive you cannot reveal?
What’s underlying? What’s in you? What’s really there?
Buried so deep in your core that you cannot bear.

I wonder… how, after all these years,
is it only you that’s capable of reducing me to such anger and tears?
My heart ripped open, beaten, bruised once more.
Bruises fade with time, but for how long can I endure?

I wonder… what runs through your mind,
when you take your first sip, the day pushed behind?
The doors close, slam shut, now you’re locked in.
Tell me mum, are you suffocating?

I wonder… why do you push me away?
I’ve given nothing but support, but you don’t see it this way.
I’m sick to death of the never-ending rejection.
Can’t you see how much I’m craving your love and affection?

I wonder… is this really you,
my mother and a demon, or could it be two?
You are a devoted, generous, nurturing, gentle soul,
completely shattered in an instant when the demon takes hold.

I wonder… why do you continue with the lies and deceit,
when will you give it up? Because you’re not fooling me.
This home, your shield, used as your demon’s playing ground.
We’re pinned down in the shadows, longing to scream aloud.

I wonder… when will you put us first?
The ones in touching distance dealing with your everyday bursts.
We’re bottom of the pecking order, ground down, worn thin.
Everyone else gets the real you. Us, a life in hiding.

I wonder… why can’t you talk,
what’s cutting your throat, squeezing those thoughts?
Trapped below the surface, suppressed inside.
Silence… are you alive?

I wonder… why don’t you want healing,
why can’t you recognise the precious life you are stealing?
I’m powerless, paralysed, watching from a distance,
the tragedy unfolding, the demolition of your existence.

I wonder… when will be the day,
you look me in the eyes, take a deep breath and say;
“I love you darling, and that’s beyond enough for me to stop,
my devastating addiction.” But reality is, it’s not.

I wonder, what?
I wonder, how?
I wonder, why?

But I can’t ask you this, for you’ll tell me a lie.

  • listener

    Hello hjm,

    Thank you so much for sharing your poem here. It's incredibly powerful and I can hear the emotion in your words.

    The desire to talk to your parent honestly about the problem, and frustration and heartbreak when this doesn't feel possible, will resonate with a lot of people here. Your words capture perfectly the feeling of powerlessness over helping.

    I hope writing down your feelings in a poem has helped you in some way. Externalising such painful emotions can feel incredibly relieving, so I hope it has been helpful. I know others reading will take great comfort in knowing they are not alone in feeling this way too.

    Take good care of yourself,
    Listener

      • hjm

        Hi panthera.onca,

        When I wrote this I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out - the moment I took pen to paper they did not stop flowing. They had been inside me for a very long time, so when I finally put it together I felt such relief. It was an incredibly powerful experience and would recommend to anyone struggling to just put some thoughts onto paper.

    • hjm

      Thank you Listener. Your words are so touching and having been the first time in 3 years sharing this, it is quite overwhelming (in a proud way) to hear how strong it is to a reader. Thank you.

  • sk

    Wow - what a moving poem. Thank you so much for sharing. I think what I like most is that despite all the pain and hurt, you are still in a state of 'wonder' - you are still able to feel, to think, to question, to imagine. This isn't something that has been taken away from you, and instead you've turned it into something empowering.

    It's so lovely to hear of how the writing moved through you and you've inspired me to try some writing to process some of my emotions and experiences, so thank you!
    SK

    • hjm

      Hi SK,

      Thank you. You’re so right - from feeling so powerless most of the time this poem enabled me to take some control back. I’m not worthless, I am in fact empowered - without such events in my life I wouldn’t have ever thought to have written a poem, and one I’m very proud of! I’m touched to hear I have inspired you. Good luck with writing, you will feel so strong from doing so!

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