Anticipating and trying to make sense of change
I’ve always known my mum had alcohol issues since I was a child. There have been numerous incidents which didn’t feel normal even though it was my normal life. For years I have tried to say that mum has an issue but was always met with “that’s her, she likes a drink”. That was until earlier this year…
Mum was rushed to hospital after her holiday as her legs and abdomen had swollen up and she started to feel really sick. She was admitted due to developing bacterial peritonitis from the ascites in her abdomen and she almost died which was terrifying. It was revealed that she had decompensated liver cirrhosis and was going into failure but she had been ignoring this for years and kept drinking daily. She had to be put through medical detox and all of my beliefs were confirmed. She was an alcoholic.
Since then her health has been rapidly declining and now her kidneys are failing due to the liver medicine, but since being off her meds, the rest of her system is starting to fail.
I am utterly terrified of losing her and sad, but also feel really angry with her about it too and keep having thoughts that are really critical and unempathetic. I wonder if anybody has been able to navigate anticipatory grief. I am in therapy but at the moment it feels like one session per week is not enough to contain everything
Hi,
Thanks so much for reaching out, so sorry for all you have been through and still going through.
It’s a really good question regarding anticipatory grief. I often discuss this with my sibling. I think living with a parent who is an alcoholic contains much grief throughout as you loose many parts of the person. I can really relate with this very complex feeling when you feel heartbroken but also very resentful and angry. My alcoholic father is awaiting high risk surgery to have vertebrae in his neck replaced (crumbling bones) and due to his alcoholism is haemophiliac, we have been on stand by each time the surgery is due with this contemplation, it keeps getting postponed due liver and blood issues. It can feel like a looming black cloud. I really want you to know you are not alone and please remember that this wonderful charity has the helpline should you like to chat with someone. It’s incredible you are in therapy and this will certainly give you tools to process and you can continue to connect here too.
I think navigating requires being able to have these open conversations with people who relate and understand the huge impact. I truly wish you healing throughout this and hope you remember that the grief you feel now and in the future is valid.
X
Hi Stacylf95,
I’m so sorry for the grief you’re feeling as well as the anticipatory grief you’re having to navigate as well. Thank you for sharing part of your story as well as how things are feeling for you at the moment. It takes a huge amount of bravery to reach out, I hope you can be proud of yourself for doing that.
I think it’s really important you know that all of the feelings you’ve described are valid and understandable. It’s okay to feel terrified, it’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to feel angry. Grief is always multifaceted and we don’t have control over the thoughts or feelings it can bring up. You’re not alone and it’s so important you’re able to be kind to yourself, wherever you can, through this.
It’s great that you’re going to therapy and have a space to talk about this. It’s also really understandable that you feel one session per week isn’t enough to contain it – There is so much loss in what you’ve experienced and are experiencing. Grief is one of those tricky things that refuses to be boxed, it often spills out into other pieces of our lives and sometimes it can be easier to work with what it gives us rather than trying to tighten its reigns and force it in another direction. Are there other spaces where you can let your grief out? Friends, family, grief groups or death café’s can be really helpful outlets.
I’m not sure how old you are but Let’s talk about Loss run peer meet ups for Young People (18 to 35) to talk about the reality and taboos of loosing someone when you’re young. The Anne Robson Trust offers support to people of any age facing the end of their life and those close to them.
You can always contact Nacoa’s helpline to speak with one of their helpline counsellors too. They will be happy to listen to you, support you, and even sign post you to other local organisations if you’d like help finding some.
Kindest Wishes,
Listener
Hi,
I just wanted to add to the two other voices in letting you know you aren't alone in experiencing grief and anger. I never knew it was called anticipatory grief, but that is an excellent name for it. Sometimes I even hope we've come to the end of chaos my father brings - and I feel a guilty for thinking and writing that, but these mixed thoughts are always intertwined with my relationship with my father.
It is normal to feel horribly conflicted and confused, so be kind to yourself, I hope the therapy helps with that.