Coping with grief

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lola85

Hi everyone,
My alcoholic dad passed away 3 weeks ago. He had been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember.
As a child I remember being a Daddy’s girl, but in all honesty I can’t remember why. As I became a teenager I became more and more aware of what alcohol was doing to our family, he would be abusive and mum and I spent most of our time walking on eggshells around him.
My lovely Mum passed away 20 years ago when I was 19, which made things between Dad and I even worse. This was when I began to actually fear him.
I moved away for uni, but for the next 17 years our relationship continued to destroy my mental health.
Eventually 3 years ago I sought help from a therapist, and with her managed to find away to distance myself from Dad. I didn’t have the courage to go full no contact, I still felt I had a duty to check on him, but we spoke very rarely and it was more on my terms.
Then 3 weeks ago I get a call from a friend that Dad is in hospital and he’s dying. Duty kicks in and I rush to the hospital, he’s in a bad way, I doubt he knew I was there and he couldn’t communicate. He passed away 3 days later, we had the funeral 1 week ago.
I’m feeling overwhelmed with emotion, but so much of it is mixed and confusing, there’s a lot of anger, sadness, maybe even a bit of relief. I’ve not cried, despite feeling like I need to. I just feel like I’m floating along, and very lost.

I’m sorry this is such a long post, I don’t even know if this is asking for help, or just an opportunity for me to write this down.
I know we all know the challenges growing up at a COA, I’m just not sure how to navigate this next step.

  • mountainchaser

    Hi lola85,

    Thank you for sharing, and my sincere condolences goes out to you.
    I want to say - do not apologise for a long post, it is great you are posting this, like you said, even if it is not to ask for help, but putting our thoughts outside of our head helps, it is healing, even if in the moment you can't see it.

    I'm really grateful that you felt comfortable sharing your story here. It sounds like you've been through a lot and that this is a very challenging time for you. It's okay to have mixed feelings—grief doesn’t always look the same for everyone, and it’s normal for there to be anger, sadness, relief, or even a sense of emptiness. Take your time with these emotions, and remember that healing is a process. If you ever need to talk or just need a supportive ear, please keep reaching out. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
    You can create a way to navigate this situation that suits you best, on your terms.
    Wishing you all the best!

  • marble

    Very sorry to hear of your experience and loss, lola85.

    Grief is a complicated, personal process, so try to be gentle with yourself at this time.

    The Nacoa Helpline is open if you wanted to talk things through. You can call 0800 358 3456 or email helpline@nacoa.org.uk

    Take care.

  • run79

    I am so sorry to learn of your loss.
    As mentioned above grief is such a complicated and different process for all and your dad’s passing was only a few weeks ago so my thoughts are with you at this time.
    I am two and a half years into my mothers passing and the feelings of guilt and grief still hit me now, but I find from talking to people and letting my emotions out (rather than bottle them up like I use too) really helps me. I like you,also before her death distanced myself from her and so I know that can also cause conflicting emotions as well.
    Don’t put on pressure on yourself on how you should feel. You may find like me your emotions chance as the months go on, so take each day as it comes and make sure you look after yourself.
    Don’t forget the Nacoa helpline is also here if you ever just need to chat.

  • venkman

    I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

    Even though you feel he may not have known you were there, and the complications in your relationshio with him before that, you will gain some comfort from knowing you were there with him longer term.

    There are some great organisations who offer helplines, I would definitely recommend speaking with NACOA and maybe looking for some bereavement support over the phone if you would rather (it doesnt have to be full blown counselling, sometimes just having someone to speak to can help).

    Sending you love and best wishes.

  • here2help

    I’m so glad you came here to share your feelings. It’s relatable to me as I felt I had such a complicated relationship with my father as well, and I too felt some sense of relief amongst the grief too. It can take a long time to process your feelings, so go gently on yourself. Keep messaging here if you like, or contact the helpline if you want to speak to someone who understands. Journaling can help too if you feel like it. Take good care of yourself.

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