Cutting off my mum
So my mum has been a functional alcoholic since I can remember. When I was a teenager I moved in with my grandparents as her drinking was out of control and she was mentally and physically abusive.
The last couple of years it’s got really bad again and she will not seek help as she doesn’t think she has a problem.
Our relationship was hanging on by a thread and was draining the life out of me.
I have two small daughters age 2.5 and 7 months. I wanted them to have a better relationship than I do with her, and she has been helping me babysit on and off. Last week she cancelled on babysitting my oldest daughter at midnight the night before.
I said this is unacceptable and I said you need to accept help before you can see us again.
I know this might sound harsh but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
She has since blocked me and said “I hope you are proud of yourself”
She’s still my mum, I don’t want any harm to come to her but I desperately want her to get better
My dad passed away in January of this year only aged 59. he was an alcoholic and had liver cirrhosis so it’s just been an awful year 🙁
So I don’t want to lose another parent the same way.
My stepdad that she lives with drinks heavily too.
Any advice is her very much appreciated.
Hi,
Thank you so much for sharing here on the message boards. I’m so sorry to read about the situation you’re having to navigate with mum, and that you have had to navigate from such a young age too. I’m truly sorry too to read about the loss of your dad so recently. This sounds so early into your journey through grief.
I can hear how worried you are for mum, and the understandable fear of losing another parent the same way. Do you have support around you at the moment? This sounds so much on your shoulders, you don’t have to carry this alone. You can always reach out to Nacoa’s helpline and they’ll be glad to offer you space to talk things through. They can also help research local services, groups and counselling in your area, if that felt something that could be helpful.
Something you might see a lot here are what we call ‘The Six C’s’:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
These can be so helpful to fall back on when things feel overwhelming, or we’re not sure where to step. This isn’t your fault, it never has been, and the burden of fixing or curing this isn’t yours to carry.
Your health and your wellbeing matter. You matter. And it is okay to prioritise your wellbeing, and the wellbeing of your children too, although I know this can be such a hard decision to make and can create boundaries in ourselves that feel so painful to set down. It’s important you can know that there’s no right or wrong way to dealing with a parent who drinks, as long as you’re communicating your feelings and making choices that are healthy for you.
There’s a really good publication on the Nacoa website that might feel helpful for you too, it’s called ‘Talking to someone about their drinking’ and has some advice and guidance around navigating difficult conversations. A lot of it you may find you’ve been doing already, and I hope if nothing else it can reassure you.
You’re not alone, truly, and there can be huge healing in community. I hope you can find some community here on the message boards but please never forget you can reach out to the helpline as well. There are people and places who can understand.
Listener
This doesn't sound harsh. It sounds like a necessary boundary after years of being hurt and let down. You are protecting yourself and your two children.
You can love your mum and want a relationship with her, whilst keeping that boundary of not exposing yourself or the children to the drinking, abuse or unreliable care. You could offer that when she is ready to get some help for her drinking you will be there to support her in finding help. She may well blame, block or guilt-trip you, but you are not in the wrong and you cannot make her get help.
I am so very sorry to hear of your dads passing and you will obviously still be grieving him. Understandably, I can imagine you are terrified of losing your mum as well. Sometimes this can create a sense that you must rescue her, but her recovery is not yours to fix or to carry.
Support for yourself is what matters and using spaces such as this to keep sharing how you are feeling with people that understand is so important.
Take care of yourself
Thank you so much for your detailed reply. It really means a lot.
I do have support in a wonderful husband, and her parents, my grandparents.
And amazing friends who all understand about my mum and some has experienced it first hand around her. I’ve also got one friend whose dad died in the same way so we share a lot.
The six C’s are really helping. Im repeating them daily.
I haven’t spoken to her since June, I’m the horrible one for calling out her drinking problem. It’s so hard when they aren’t ready to admit it.