End of life forgiveness

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mollier0se

My dad was a recovered alcoholic who turned to alcoholism again during lockdown. This unearthed years of trauma which I’d had years of therapy for after being diagnosed with CPTSD from the traumatic events surrounding my dad’s drinking.
He is not a ‘functioning’ alcoholic, we’re talking 1litre of vodka starting in the morning, he is incoherent and absolutely plastered to put it bluntly. He is now nearing what I believe is end of life. He is physically unable to get out of bed, hasn’t had any food whatsoever in nearly 2 months and whatever he tries he vomits back up, his urine is black, he vomits up blood and we are to believe his prognosis isn’t looking good now (side note he is under the local alcohol services). My mom has to bring him vodka to stop him from going into withdrawal (this part is where people seem to judge, but I hope coas will understand this). Not to mention he is diabetic and doesn’t take any of his medication. He is waiting for a place in an NHS rehab centre but I don’t think he will make it for that long – although he doesn’t actually want medical help or intervention so he will probably discharge himself. I thought I had come to terms with his decision after countless detoxes where he has returned to drink, we have paid for various treatments and therapies which he has not wanted to stick to. I’m now ‘civil’ with him but avoid him and don’t go in to see him when I visit my mom. I have a lot of anger, but then a lot of guilt for having that anger.
I’m in real turmoil as I believe he is nearing end of life. I cry most days and the trauma of reliving the thing that sent me to depression and anxiety as a teen is playing out infront of me. I don’t know if I should be making effort to go and sit with him now out of fear that I will regret it if I don’t, and guilt that he may feel alone and scared. But that man I see in the bed isn’t my dad, and I’m filled with anger and hurt when I see it. I’m sorry for the long winded message, I just hoped someone may be able to relate in some way

  • ashbash

    HI mollier0se
    I am really sorry to hear of the difficult time you have been having. I completely relate to and understand your feelings. You are not alone.
    You have mentioned about services involved with your Dad, has he been GP or hospital about the symptoms he has been having?
    I know it is difficult, but if your Dad does not want help then nobody can make him take it. He needs to want that for himself as hard as it is. I understand your feelings of battling with guilt, it is never easy and I cannot advise what to do, but please know that your feelings are normal and you are not doing anything wrong.
    I am sorry to hear how anxious and depressed you have been feeling. I know how dark that can be. Is there someone you can talk to or a counsellor you can see? Please remember to make some time for yourself and to do things you enjoy to keep yourself feeling healthy.
    Please take care x

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