How to cope with aftermath




Okay so I’m a 19 year old turning 20 and this isn’t really about an issue I have with my alcoholic parent but more of the aftermath of my relationship with them.
Me and my mum had argued for years over her drinking as every weekend I’d see her and she was drunk (did not live with her) I’d bring it up and we would argue and I did this because no one was there to impose those boundaries and I wanted to help. Now it’s been nearly 4 years since we basically stopped talking (I only see her when my sibling is around). And this is because of how our relationship got so damaged through the constant arguing and how neither of us were changing. She essentially stopped making an effort or reaching out when I was 16 and since I’ve been struggling with any type of relationship as I can’t really stop thinking if I wasn’t enough for her or to even help her, not just an alcoholic but my mum. The person everyone is suppose to have backing them supposedly, how can I be enough really for anyone? It’s stupid I know but it’s the constant thought that if that person who is meant to care so deeply for you doesn’t want anything to do with you, how long is it till anyone realises you aren’t worth it either.
I’ve tried making up for my mistakes with my mum but ultimately I can’t now because of how bad I allowed it to become. Now I just want to get rid of this feeling but not sure how?

  • listener

    Hello book21,

    Having an alcoholic parent can still have a huge impact, regardless of whether you live with them or have contact with them. I'm sorry to hear how much conflict there was between you and your mum, and how much you're struggling with the lack of relationship with her. That must feel like a huge loss.

    It's very natural that you argued a lot with your mum. You clearly wanted her to get better and it's so frustrating when you can't find a way to help. This is very common and I think it's important to be kind to yourself. It sounds like you blame yourself for a lot, and I just want to reassure you that there is only so much family members can do to help someone until that person is willing to accept your help. Conflict is very natural in these situations, and isn't something you should feel bad about. Something that might help you put this into perspective is the 6C's - I hope they are helpful:

    • I didn’t cause it
    • I can’t cure it
    • I can’t control it
    • I can take care of myself
    • I can communicate my feelings
    • I can make healthy choices

    Feeling like you aren't worthy of your mum's care must be so incredibly painful. In reality, you are worthy of your mum's and everyone else's care and love. Sadly alcoholism makes alcohol the top priority and is so all-consuming that it's often not possible to engage in normal relationships with those closest to you. It's nothing to do with your worth, because you are worthy.

    Getting rid of that feeling is not easy though. Maybe surrounding yourself with people who you do feel love and support from will help. Do you have people around you like this?

    Is there anything that helps you to cope with the situation at the moment?

    Take care,

Leave a Reply

Recent topics

  • Unspoken pain
    Going to see you and I'm scared what I will face, seeing you shrunken and in this state will cause too much pain. Almost feels…
  • Recovering alcoholic left
    This is a bit of a different one but alcoholic father did good and is in recovery coming up 2 years. We endured the years…
  • Drinking Culture and trauma
    In September, it'll be my work's annual company day, usually a day away with an overnight stay. I missed one year, the only year I…
  • My dad is choosing alcohol
    For context from the day i was born till i was 12 me and my dad were close then the pandemic hit and he took…
  • Still Haunted
    Hi I grew up with an alcoholic father from my earliest memory until I moved out aged 21. I am now 44 years old and…

Recent replies

  • Hi, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re currently experiencing, this sound so raw for you. Seeing the effects of alcoholism on our parents can…
    listener on Unspoken pain
  • It’s so hard seeing our parents struggle with this disease, and it sounds like you have already lost your mum to alcoholism, which is just…
    here2help on Unspoken pain
  • Hi, I’m glad you’ve reached out here on the message board. This sounds so difficult for you. It’s really hard to say what’s ‘normal’ or…
    listener on Recovering alcoholic left
  • It's nice to share it here were people can understand. Sometimes it does feel very isolating not having anyone who understands what this is like.…
    tm19x on Reflection of my youth
  • I know exactly what you mean about this social expectation to be surrounded by alcohol and what that’s like as someone who’s life has been…
    henryvipart2 on Drinking Culture and trauma

Keep in touch

To find out more about our events and activities, subscribe to our mailing list

We use Mailchimp as our marketing platform. By subscribing, you acknowledge that your information will be transferred to Mailchimp for processing. Learn more about Mailchimp’s privacy practices.