My Dad
Im 58
My father was an alcoholic when i was a child – He died over 25 years ago
Does anyone else feel the effects still from their experience. Mine was over 45 years ago.
I cry , i question my self, my mother and other people to why no one helped us as children.
My daughter says i have PTSD.
i grieve the father i wanted him to be. the years of shame and neighbours talking about us. We were little kids – we needed help not disapproving comments and looks.
ive never spoken about this and im crying now.
I looked up NACOA because i want to start donating- Kids need a lot of support.
Its just clearing my head – feels good
Hi,
First of all I am very sorry to hear what you are going through but please do understand you are not alone.
I myself am 45 and my mums drinking (she passed two and a half years ago) affected me all of my life. There is no timeline on grief so what you are feeling is very normal, as we can’t change what happened which I think sometimes makes this whole grief journey even harder. We want what we didn’t have.
Take a look at the stories from other COA’s on the website and you will find that many people feel how you feel.
Do you have anyone you can talk too? I never use to like to talk but I have found now by being open about my childhood and how it has affected me, is really a help.
Hi there,
I’m so sorry with what you’re going through, it’s unbelievably tough and complex. Your feelings are very valid, I think as COA we start grieving whilst our parents are still here and that makes it complicated when they are gone. The wish for what we feel we could have or should have had.
Sending so much love and compassion and you know you can always chat here or the helpline ❤️
My father passed away 24 years ago from liver cancer connected with his alcoholism and I still have counselling sessions to talk about how this has affected me. When you are a child relying on a parent to care for you but they are unable to take care of themselves, it’s such a difficult and vulnerable situation to be in. For me, I feel my social and emotional development was impacted and I made incredibly poor choices as a young person due to the instability of my childhood. I also developed fibromyalgia as an adult, and I attribute this in part to the trauma I experienced as a child. I’m still discovering the impacts on my life and how these experiences shaped me but I am healing from the pain, physically and emotionally. Unfortunately trauma in childhood can create difficulties throughout our adult lives in various ways. It’s normal that this still upsets you even after all this time and it can really help to speak to someone about it. You’re not alone. If you are able to access counselling through work or your GP, it can be very helpful. You can always come here to talk about it anytime. Take good care of yourself.
Hi,
I’m so truly sorry for your loss. Not just the immediate loss of your father but also the loss that you describe of the father you wanted, the trauma you faced and the many other griefs that come with those losses.
It really resonates with me, what you say about just being kids and needing help not disapproving comments or looks. So often COA’s unfairly shoulder the shame and stigma of their parents alcoholism. The reality is, as you say, that it isn’t their fault. It isn’t theirs to fix or change. And often they need space and support to share and heal their own wounds.
Nacoa often talks about the six C’s:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
I’m so glad that you have found Nacoa and begun to share parts of your story. You’re not alone. Please know that Nacoa’s helpline is available to children of alcoholics of any age, including adults. Nacoa’s stance is that, at any age, we are always the ‘child of’. You can call, email or on Thursdays they have a one to one online chat available through the website.
Equally you may just want to share on the message boards for now. That’s okay too. Posting here is a great way of engaging with a community of others who truly do understand.
Thank you again for posting and sharing, so bravely, what you have.
Kindest Wishes,
Listener
This really resonates with me too. My dad died 25 years ago, I was a teenager, and I still miss him so much. Over those years I have held onto a lot of frustration and anger, and now just sadness for him. I wish I could have got to know him better, even if I couldnt have helped him with his illness. I have just started regularly donating to NACOA as a member for that same reason, I hope it can help others going through the same.
If you have people close to you that you can talk to, please do. There are also great helplines out there, do take advantage. It wasnt your fault.