Hi
I didn’t know what to call this but i just wanted to write it down. My mother is an alcoholic and has been my whole life (i’m now turning 34), she is in her 70s. Over the years she was a functional alcoholic and was able to go to work but drank every night when she came home. She has now been retired for several years and it has got significantly worse. Covid lockdowns especially impacted it. I’ve never known her to be sober. She’s been very verbally abusive to me at times, and even has said to me at one point when she was drunk that she never wanted me, i was only a young teenager.

She refuses to admit she has a problem even though she has now been in hospital and caught drink driving by the police and been to court (she’s now lost her license). I always thought i was alone in knowing my mum was an alcoholic but it turns out the family knew. My dad was ill when i was young also so could not have helped, he has also passed on. I was a child unable to do anything and it angers me that family never intervened. They just told her to stop, not even in person. I can’t help but feel some bitterness towards them. When i opened up to them recently when things were really bad, it was like oh that’s awful! but youll have to deal with it you’re her daughter. Recently i was out of the country for work and a family member rang me to demand that i come home because my mum had been out in public and was wearing her dressing coat. I don’t know what they actually expect me to do, she’s an adult and i don’t control her.

I’ve tried to get my mum help in the form of care but as she didn’t use it it was taken off her, which i understand but it is very frustrating. I’ve rang the doctor several times to see what can be done and its basically – there’s nothing you can do unless your mum agrees to be helped. Which again i understand but its again so frustrating. I basically have to watch her slowly kill herself and let it happen.

I feel extremely conflicted constantly about feeling sorry for my mum, then angry at her for not seeing she has a problem, and then angry for putting up with it. She rings me up when she’s drunk 30+ times sometimes when i refuse to answer wanting me to get things for her. I don’t answer as the conversation isn’t logical and she treats me like im a servant to get her things. I’ve tried to confront her but all she does is laugh it off or insist she doesn’t have a problem. My partner says that i need to keep at her or i will feel guilt later on for not trying enough and i understand what they mean but it cause me more pain to know that ive tried and nothing works. I’m just exhausted and im finding it difficult to care sometimes. I know that’s selfish but i don’t have the mental strength to keep going. I don’t want to lose my own mental health because someone else isn’t taking care of theirs. I’ve managed to create a good life for myself in spite of everything. I’ve dealt with this for all my life almost entirely alone and have only recently opened up to friends, who’ve been great but only understand to a degree

My mum is now extremely frail and drinks around the clock. She has some growth on her pancreas now that might be cancer but she wont go to get it seen about. She always claims she is ill and when i say you need to ring the doctor/ill ring them she suddenly is ok ‘its not that bad’. I don’t know what to do but it will probably kill her, its a surprise the drinking hasn’t.

Sorry for the essay if anyone has made it this far, I just wanted to write something down there’s so much more. If this resonates with you on any level, i understand your frustration and helplessness. I try to remember the good i saw in my mum.

Thanks for reading