Alcoholic Mum

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h4tt1e

Hi everyone.

I don’t know where to turn, my mum is alcohol dependant and has been for over 10 years.

She has peaks and troffs and I just need someone to talk to.

She goes out every morning and drinks, she has been ok recently but it seems to be when my dad is I’ll or has to have a doctors appointment.

The most recent episode was Friday she had been out and fell cracked her head open so there was blood everywhere and has had to have her head glued and a night in hospital, she’s gone out yesterday and got drunk.

I’m 6 months pregnant and don’t know how much more stress I can take.

  • listener

    Hi h4tt1e,

    I'm really sorry to hear about your mum's drinking, and her recent accident. It must be so worrying for you, and also frustrating that she drank again after being in hospital.

    Being pregnant while all of this is going on must be hard. Do you have supportive people in your life? It's really important to shift at least some of the focus back onto yourself and what you need in order to take care of yourself. I know that's really hard to do when you're focused on what's going on with your mum. Is anything helping you cope right now?

    I'm pleased you're reaching out on here and hope you find a support here too.

    Take good care,
    Listener

    • h4tt1e

      Hey thank you so much for reading my post,

      I have my partner for support but it sometimes ends up in an argument, my mum was texting me yesterday and was saying she feels lonely and misses when me and my brother were little, and it was my grandads anniversary, and she misses me and my brother, it got my partner annoyed because he said she was using emotional blackmail and it wasn’t fair.

      I really don’t know what to do, she’s killing herself and I’m powerless to do anything. We’ve offered her so much help but she won’t accept it.

      I want her to have a relationship with her granddaughter but I’m scared if she keeps drinking, I’ve got to be selfish and look after myself and my daughter, but I feel guilty being selfish because she’s my mum and I want to help her.

      She’s put us all through so much, even to the point when I was at uni and working she was admitted to hospital and I had to go and look after her till 3 in the morning when I had exams.

      I feel so low and don’t know what to do xx

      • listener

        Hiya,

        It must have been hard to hear that your mum is missing you. While it's great that you can talk to your partner, it must be hard when it ends in an argument and you feel in the middle. That's why it's often helpful to also have people outside of the situation to talk to; people who aren't bringing their own emotions into it and can offer you a totally unbiased and supportive ear.

        That feeling of powerlessness is very hard to sit with and is something many others in similar situations feel. You want to know that you have done absolutely everything in your power to help and that's exhausting when you feel it's getting you nowhere. You clearly have tried tirelessly to help her and there is unfortunately only so much you can do until she accepts the help offered and is ready to engage with support.

        I can hear the dilemma you feel over the relationship between your mum and your daughter. I would say that it's not selfish to put yourself and your daugther first in any way. Looking after your own wellbeing and that of your daughter is a healthy thing to do (and what that looks like will be different for everyone; only you can decide that). I know that isn't going to take the guilt away, but it might help to hear from someone outside of the situation.

        Something that could be useful for you to think about is the 6C’s which are really important messages to hear:

        • I didn’t cause it
        • I can’t cure it
        • I can’t control it
        • I can take care of myself
        • I can communicate my feelings
        • I can make healthy choices

        Take good care,
        Listener

  • mountainchaser

    Hi h4tt1e,

    Thank you for sharing, it is a hard situation you are in. I'm sorry to hear your mum is on a destructive path, it is not easy at all to deal with that, never mind when you are pregnant, your focus is elsewhere and you have to think about future. And it sounds like your mum is turning to alcohol when she is worried about your dad, it might be that she is not sure how else to cope, which is not an excuse, however she might feel it is helping in short term.
    It is good that you reach out and look for help, even if it is 'just' - write things out and listen to a different perspective.
    One thing that you can be sure of is - you can't control other people, as much as you want to help your mum, unless she accepts it, you can't do anything against her will.
    I will offer you unpopular opinion, but this might shift your perspective to the situation:
    As society we are conditioned to think that our family (that we have been born in) is everything. Sayings like 'blood is thicker than water' 'but this is your family' 'she is your mum' 'he is your dad' and so on conditions us to think that we as kids have to accept any behaviour, any abuse, any situation, because this is love.
    It is not always that straight forward.
    You are an adult now. You can choose. The only thing you can do - is control what you do. You can make your own decisions.
    Imagine that it would be someone else (not your mum) that you wrote that post about. Imagine that a friend has displayed the same behaviour, or a colleague, or neighbour, what would you do in that exact situation? How would your decisions be different?
    We are conditioned to think, that because it is your parent, you can't put in boundaries, you can't say no, you can't put yourself first, you can't decide in favour of yourself! That is not true.
    Your mum is an adult, she makes her own decisions and faces the consequences, unfortunately due to alcohol dependancy the brain is working differently, and as much as you try you can't change it, unless she is on board.
    It is not selfish to chose you and your daughters well being and mental health.
    It is necessary.
    It is not selfish to look after yourself. It is your number one job.

    My wish for you is to take care of yourself, find ways how you can take care of your boundaries, for you and your daughter. I can feel that you are loving daughter and you wish nothing more than for your mum to be better and be there for you and your family. And I hope it comes true, in meantime take care of yourself.

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