Parenthood and impostor syndrome
I look around me and see women I really know and respect have amazing relationships with their children (real relationships, not social media ones), despite working full time like I do. They are close, they are stronger as a unit and always there for each other.
My mother has schizoaffective disorder and my father is a long-term alcoholic. We almost ended up in care, in the end, I went to boarding school for some stability, my 3 brothers were split between grandparents, we had a house repossessed. My mother was often sectioned, my father worked overseas and got drunk there or came home and got more drunk at home as he and my mother entered a negative spiral each time they were together; her mental health worsened, his drinking worsened. My much younger brothers apparently used to call me “Little Mummy”.
My mum likes to make out we have a close and loving relationship but really I just feel like a hedgehog, curled up and spiky, when she says that.
There were some good times but my childhood was about me, looking out for me, looking out for my brothers and even protecting ourselves from our parents. Emotionally I feel like a rock, I find it so hard to build any kind of loving relationship because I don’t think I trust or believe that people feel that way.
I am in my 40s with children entering their teenage years, I drink little, I try to be supportive, I make sure my children now I love them, but I don’t know how have that relationship I see, I have never experienced it. I feel broken. If I can know that my children are experiencing that relationship the way I want them to be, I will be happy but I feel like I am just playing make-believe and that I really am doing a fake loving parent act. I just hope I can pull it off, it has been more than a decade and I am still pretending.
Hi there,
I’m glad you found Nacoa, so sorry for all that you have been through, it all sounds really tough. It sounds like you have done a great job and I believe that the feeling of faking it could be part of avoidant attachment which is very understandable. A way to protect yourself. It’s fantastic to hear how conscious you are of these feelings and I hope that by talking about it here in this safe environment will help too. Remember you can always call the helpline as-well and continue to chat here, you are not alone and having open conversations can really help with healing and therefore working on building healthy attachments. I’ve found some online inner child subliminals useful. Be kind to yourself and recognise how supportive you have been to your children, well done.
Thank you for reaching out to Nacoa and sharing your story. It takes courage to reach out, be proud that you have taken that step.
Imposter syndrome is not uncommon, you have not been shown the tools to create a loving and secure family environment, therefore how could you possibly create one yourself. The answer in truth is you have done it, despite the example you were set. Beginning with the care you showed your younger brothers. The cycle can be broken.
The tween/teenage years are notoriously tricky, but all children really require is to feel loved and secure and it sounds like your children have this and more. You are doing a great job.
There is a website called Family Lives which you may like to look at, they have information on all areas of parenting and mental health topics.
Parenting and Family Support - www.familylives.org.uk/
As the previous respondent referred to, imposter syndrome / avoidant attachment is a way of protecting yourself, you have been conditioned to do these things to survive, you have learnt that they will keep you safe. By bringing these feelings into your awareness and talking about them will allow you begin to process which of those traits still serve you and which don’t. To learn that it is now ok to now let some of them go and begin to give and receive love in the way that you deserve.
Do you have any additional support around you at home that allows you to share how you are feeling?
If you would like to talk more, the Nacoa helpline is open Monday - Saturday 10am - 7pm on 0800 358 3456. You can also email helpline@nacoa.org.uk. They will be happy to listen to you, support you, and even sign post you to other local organisations if you’d like help finding some.
You’re not alone, please be kind to yourself.
Best wishes
Listener
Thank you both. I had never heard of avoidant attachment before but reading it, it is exactly me.
I did try therapy but after the therapist blamed me for continuing to have a relationship with my father when he's part of the issue, I didn't find I trusted the process. I had more success with an online message based therapy provision but it was still not ideal.
I don't know if I'll ever love my parents in the right way but recognising the avoidant attachment, I can at least start to work on it.