Rant
(Apologies in advance for this whole thing as it probably won’t make sense and isn’t really worth reading I guess I just need somewhere to offload)
Today my mum went to AA with my dad for the first time in a year , originally I was happy because surely this means she’s giving sobriety another shot, but no to my horror this evening literally nothing had changed and she’s she’s just slagging off AA , she’s spent the whole evening telling about how she’s not an alcoholic and we can’t keep accusing her of being one when she’s just stressed (which she is but she’s also an alcoholic) and then generally being rude about other members of her AA cuz she thinks she’s better then them for being able to hold down a job while being an alcoholic like “oh well you know what I’ve had a s*** life and I never lost my job from drinking or did this or that” and it’s just SO annoying, because she is an alcoholic and she’s no better then anyone else at AA? And now she’s saying in 6 months if we are not responsible for her soberity and fix everyone so she can be sober because it’s all our fault (me and my siblings are all disabled with additional needs which while I understand how hard it’s been for her she just LOVE to blame us for it like we chose to be this way?) and how if we haven’t fixed things and helped her get sober we are all gonna have to move out of the city so she can quit her job , and she’s been that horrible drunk on and off happy the whole evening, she left to get wine earlier on and came back yelling and angry and then immediately after all lovely dovey lets all watch tv and I’ll make you all drinks , and then she left again for more wine like an hour later and comes back pissed off and had a go at us and then starts being all affectionate and acting like she didn’t just yell at us , and honestly drunk people just really really annoy me more specifically my mum when she’s drunk ,we also think she had a personality disorder which makes it even worse because she’s always ranting about how she’s better then all of us and it’s everyone fault for not helping her because she’s the victim in all of his and she’s constantly making us feel guilty like earlier she was like “I’m gonna get more wine because I’m so sad” so obviously we all felt bad and gave her a hug but immediately after she’s back to and it’s all your faults cuz your lazy and don’t do s*** , but anyways sorry for this whole rant ,I’m not even sure if or what advice or anything I’m looking for I guess I’m just annoyed that AA hasn’t done anything and just sent her futher down the “I’m not an alcoholic and it’s everyone else’s fault” denial pipeline , I just want everything to be ok and for her to get sober but atleast there’s nacoa I’m just glad other people are going through it too
Morning,
So amazing that you have the opportunity to vent here, it’s exactly what this space is for so good for you that you have done just that.
How very relatable, this I believe is called pre contemplation in terms of alcoholism. “ During the precontemplation stage, people addicted to alcohol and drugs are not interested in, or considering, making any changes. They may be aware of the repercussions related to their addiction but justify their choices because they see more benefits than losses.”
It gives you just a glimmer of hope hearing that they are considering or attending or seeking some support but in re they aren’t ready.
It’s so tough having to deal with the roller coaster that comes with an alcoholic parent and I’m so sorry for all you and your siblings go through.
keep talking here, I hope you found it helped a little and know that you are not alone and none of this is your fault.
The helpline is also available if you need a chat.
Look after yourself
It’s completely understandable to feel angry, frustrated, disappointed or irritated when you have an alcoholic parent. It’s can feel so crushing when you feel hopeful for a moment that things will change and then you see that it’s not happening the way you hoped for. I’m glad you felt you could share here, there are many others here who understand. It’s especially hard when you’re young and still rely on an unreliable parent to care for you, and must be even more difficult if you have a disability or health condition that requires more care from a parent. Is there anyone else who can support you or a trusted adult you could talk to? You can always contact the Nacoa helpline to talk to someone. You’re not alone. You are completely right that your mother’s issues with stress and alcohol use are not your fault. If you can, try to engage in any activities that help you relieve stress and take good care of yourself <3
Hi catzz_143,
It’s brilliant that you have reached out here. This is a space where you can offload and it’s so positive that you recognised that was something that you needed – please don’t feel you need to apologise for that. It’s why the message board is here! I’m sure there are people who will relate to some of the things you’ve said too, so thank you for offering what you have in sharing.
It sounds really hard with mum and the shifting of her moods as well as the hope that you felt before the evening. I really hope that you know your mum’s sobriety isn’t your responsibility to fix or solve. Often here at Nacoa we talk about something called the Six C’s:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices
Do you have anyone you can talk to about how things are at home? Sharing your feelings isn’t being disloyal and can help you to feel less alone.
As you say, you truly aren’t alone – there are others who understand and Nacoa’s helpline is here to support you too. You can call to talk things through, vent or just as a space to be heard. Nacoa can also sign post you to face to face resources in your area if that’s something you would like.
You’re not alone, truly. Do keep reaching out – here and wherever else you feel comfortable. Sharing your feelings is such an important thing to do for yourself.
Best Wishes,
Listener
Hi catzz_143,
Thank you for posting your message here. Growing up, I so often felt alone and that I was only person in the world living with an alcoholic parent. The fact that you understand that there are thousands of other people going through the same experiences as yourself is really positive. That you have reached out via Nacoa is even better. While it may not feel like it, you are helping to help yourself.
Unpredictability is one of the most confusing, hurtful and traumatic elements of being a child of an alcoholic. Remembering the Six Cs is that Listener mentions is incredibly important in this context, especially the first two: I didn't cause it and I can't control it. Having this mindset will go some way to protecting you from the worst effects of your parent's drinking. Being open about your experiences to a trusted family member or friend can also be of an enormous help - it certainly has been for me.
All the very best - and don't forget that Nacoa is here for you when you need us.