I see you.
You’re 14, and you’re doing your best to be a good girl. You don’t realise it but you think that will make everything ok, if you just block the rest out and just focus, be good, be attentive, be studious, be friendly, be fun, be polite. You’re love Ace of Base and Janet Jackson and are trying to learn all the words, music brings you energy and happiness. You’re keen for connection with others but also keep yourself hidden because you feel unsure, don’t want to overstep or get it wrong. You’re looking to others to work out your next step. You’re friends with the ‘popular ones’ and they genuinely like you but you don’t become too close friends with them because you don’t want to invite them round. Instead, you stay friends with the more introverted less popular girls, who you are less at risk of being judged by or feeling inferior to. You don’t mean any harm and are a good friend to them and you don’t even realise any of this, but it’s a way to keep yourself socially safe.

You immerse yourself in school. You love the structure the variety, the distraction. You’re ok with not being the cool girl in school and you wouldn’t be comfortable with too much attention being drawn to you anyway. You’ve immerse yourself in Neighbours, Home and Away and pop music and Saturday TV, and have been able to put away the rest to the back of your mind – the fights, the smashing of doors (many doors have fist holes at various stages of being patched up at home), the shouting, the swearing, the police being called by the neighbours at points, sneaking out to fetch your Uncle who lives round the corner to get help one late night, going downstairs to the toilet for a pee and your legs shaking with fear while your Mum and Dad argue after he got home drunk from the pub again tonight, and running back upstairs again. You’ve recently decided that you’ll now need to start being downstairs, to stick up for your Mum and sisters, you need to play a part now you’re getting older.

You’re not consciously hiding what’s going on, you’re just living your life and it’s the only life you know. Your Dad is an alcoholic and its not something you think about during the day while at school, going about your day to day, but it’s there. Not thinking or talking about it is just a part of life, it’s as unconscious to you right now as breathing. Its only when you are 17, when the girl that becomes your best friend opens up and tells you that her Mum is an alcoholic in the school assembly hall one day, that your mind is blown and this unconscious part of you and your life that you’ve kept locked away and separated off, that this dividing wall starts to fall away in your mind. Before then, you weren’t conscious of feeling different or inferior, but you did, and you realise that, because suddenly you feel like this isn’t part of normal life, this friend is calling it out because it’s a part of her life that isn’t ok for her. Maybe it’s not ok for you either. But it’s just how it’s always been.

Now the dividing wall has come down things will become tough, because you don’t realise what’s happening within you. You’ve packed so much away that you don’t know how to deal with it. And now you’re at a stage of your life when you’re trying alcohol. And you’re with more of an ‘in’ crowd who you find exciting and enjoy being with but you feel awkward, and not worthy or cool enough. When you drink the dividing wall comes down. You cry. It’s a release and this pattern serves a purpose to allow a release but doesn’t allow you to release consciously, when sober. It’s a pattern that I wish I could help you recognise and get on top of sooner. But you can only do what you can do with what you know. And there’s so much you don’t know yet.

I wish I could sit down with you, and talk to you and help you. You’re so full of goodness and have so much to offer and you’re scared to offer it because of everything you perceive comes with it. You have personified the ‘bad’ parts – but they’re not you, they are things that are happening to you, things that are out of your control, that you can’t fix because they’re bigger than you. And you’re not equipped to deal with them because you can’t even make sense of them. If I could sit down and talk with you I’d help you make sense of what is going on and how you are reacting without knowing you’re reacting. I would help you tap into your inner, beautiful self. Its there.

I can’t sit down with you. Because I’ve only just arrived here now, it means I couldn’t be with you then. If I could puncture time, and be back with you, I would assure you that you are good, you’ve always been good and you will always be good no matter the dark woods you will have to go through at times. I would tell you to pause, you don’t always need to rush, look within yourself for answers, trust yourself more, no-one holds your truth other than you. I would tell you that your goodness and your truth will serve your daughter in years to come.

I tell myself now that I am proud. I am free of alcohol. I have finally made it. I’m out of the woods and I’m enjoying the sun on my face.

Thank you Dad, for all you did for me with all you possibly could. I love you. You were in my dream last night. You told me you hadn’t died, you had just gone somewhere else and you had changed your life. I hope wherever you are you have the sun on your face, good music on, a fishing rod in your hand, and peace.