When I was younger I always knew there was something not quite right
The point I want to make is that I don’t blame my dad anymore – he was ill – alcoholism is an illness.
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The point I want to make is that I don’t blame my dad anymore – he was ill – alcoholism is an illness.
I had never been aware of what was wrong with her. I had had no one to guide me or to tell me that it was not my problem or that she had one.
To the world outside everything was fine, a normal middle class family.
It was the first time I really knew what was wrong with me. For years I had been drinking just to exist but had always justified it as something I deserved.
I wanted people to understand, to know what I was going through, but no one understands unless they’ve experienced it themselves and I was too messed up to let people get close.
There was a silence filled with clanging feelings of humiliation and doubt and fear.
But you will keep the secret to yourself that isn’t even a secret.. You don’t talk about it, you don’t talk about yourself, you don’t talk about your family, you keep your hopes and dreams to yourself but you don’t know why.
I am haunted by the idea that the telling of these dark truths is an unwarranted betrayal of my mother.
The fight to stay sane is sometimes so difficult there were, and are, times when I wonder if it was all worth it.
I had three daddies. ‘Nice daddy’, ‘funny daddy’ who was just slightly drunk, and then of course ‘nasty daddy’.
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