Hi,

The first thing I want to say is that my heart goes out to you – I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and for what you are still going through. You’ve done the right thing in talking and sharing. I know sometimes it can feel frightening or disloyal but opening up and telling others what’s going on is one of the bravest and kindest things we can do for ourselves.

You’re not alone in missing your mum – I know it’s a painful feeling and sometimes you might like for it to just to go away. Often we have all kinds of feelings towards our parents and more often than not these feelings end up being conflicting. This can start to feel a bit messy in our heads and so it can be helpful to just try and take these feelings as they come. Sometimes we spend so much time wondering why we feel something we can forget to just accept that that’s how we feel. Feelings themselves tend to be a bit out of our control. It might not be about ‘why’ you miss her and it might instead just be that you do! And that’s okay to feel. It’s alright to miss her. You’re not doing anything wrong.

Your second question is another really good one. I’m not sure there’s one right answer as to why she ‘picks it over you’. In fact, it may be that she doesn’t see it as picking it over you at all. That doesn't mean though that it's not valid it feels that way for you. Alcoholism is a disease - It often starts as a way for people to cope with their problems in life but slowly it starts to take over. What started as a way to feel ‘better’ begins to become ‘essential’ to getting up or getting dressed and getting through the day. A lot of the time we want to change our parents and help them get better. The truth is that if you’ve ever tried to change something about yourself, maybe to be more confident or to be better at something in school, you know how hard just that can be! Now if you imagine trying to do that for someone else you’ll see you’re face with a very big and difficult challenge.

www.nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/for-children/

A theme you might see on the children’s section of the Nacoa website I’ve attached above is a feeling of ‘not being enough’ – it can be really easy to look at our parents drinking and wonder why we aren’t more important/enough for them to stop. The reality is that there isn’t anything we can do to make them stop because it isn’t really about us. It’s not about how funny we are or how clever we are in school or how much we love them – it’s about their mental health and their coping mechanisms and their alcoholism.

It can help to look at the six C’s:
• I didn’t cause it
• I can’t control it
• I can’t cure it
• I can take care of myself
• I can communicate my feelings
• I can make healthy choices

From what you’ve written it sounds as though you’re already starting to do these things. You’re communicating your feelings and taking care of yourself which leads to making healthier choices. You’re doing a really good job, even if it can feel really hard. Do you feel you can talk to your dad or your sister about missing mum and how confusing that can feel? Or perhaps there’s a teacher at school you might trust?
You should know too that Nacoa has a helpline you can ring or email. Their helpline counsellors are kind, understand and will never judge. They can be a listening ear and hold a space for you where you can be heard.

warmest wishes,
Listener