Isolation
Does anybody feel like alcohol contributed to their isolation?
My mother was a single mum for a chunk of my childhood, but after marrying my stepdad – a functioning alcohol dependent – lost meaningful contact with relatives. She was quite isolated and judgemental about other people – often sharing scary or alarming stories with me about other peoples behaviour. This resulted in a scary environment for a young kid.
I was by no means a ‘hero child’ though, I very much acted up and railed against her drinking. I got a reputation a problem kid, never made friends and ended up homeless for a period of time as a teenager / early 20s.
I’m now stable and independent, but very much spinning from my chaotic childhood. I struggle to sleep most nights and feel like I wasted my life by not valuing the people around me enough. I struggle to relate to others.
Does this sound familiar? Can anybody relate? I’m trying so hard to overcome my social anxieties and inadequacies but failing
Help!
Morning,
Thank you for reaching out here, it’s very understandable that you would be spinning from your childhood and having these feelings. Its such a lot for a child to manage and it certainly leaves an impact into adulthood when dealing with an alcoholic member of the family.
I think the isolation is very common, it certainly rings true and it’s important for us to also see the impact on and of the co dependant parent and how that in turns also affects the child. My mother is very bitter and untrusting, it’s the damage done sadly. Isolation can be a way of protecting the secret or building walls to live in a bubble of denial.
I hope you find this space a place to feel relatable, it’s good to reflect on the past in order to move forward and it’s amazing to read you are independent and stable now. It’s never too late to value the people around you. You should be so proud of where you are and remember healing is a journey and every step is a huge achievement, including being able to speak here about the impact. Here you are not alone and it’s really inspiring to read the Nacoa 6 Cs to remind ourselves it’s not your fault.
Our futures are bright when we work on ourselves and give ourselves credit for attempting to overcome our insecurities. What feels like small steps over time creates huge change in the long run.
Keep up the great self work of reflecting and you deserve the life you are creating for yourself.
Chat here anytime and you always have access to the helpline too!
😊
Thank you for sharing about this. I think there are so many ways that having an alcohol dependent parent can affect us later in life as an adult. It can make it harder to trust people, for example if a parent said they would quit drinking and didn’t or tried to hide drinking behaviours, that can mean that we learn as children that people don’t tell the truth or may be keeping things from us. Sometimes as we get older we start to make connections about our own behaviour and feelings and how these might be influenced by past experiences in childhood. It can be helpful to speak to a counsellor about this, have you considered that before? Sometimes workplaces have Employee Assistance Programmes (EAP) which can offer free counselling sessions if that’s an option for you, or universities can offer support like this if you are in education. Journaling about your feelings can also be helpful. You’re not alone. You can contact the Nacoa helpline for support if you’d like to speak to someone who understands. Take good care of yourself <3
Hello, thank you so much for your post. I think this is something that a lot of children of alcohol-dependent parents and adult children experience, both through childhood and as they grow into adulthood.
Alcoholism can be isolating. You mentioned the judgment of other people; this is a common experience, as is the fear of being “found out,” which leads people to hide their drinking problems, either physically or verbally. This also leads children to become part of the family secret and hidden harm. I imagine it may have been difficult for you or your mum to get the support you needed. I’m sorry this meant a loss of meaningful contact with other family members too, and that you had to hear scary and alarming stories.
The “roles” children take on can change, and you may have played multiple roles. Perhaps sometimes you played the Hero child, listening to her stories and taking on that weight. At other times, you may have been the Scapegoat, acting out against her drinking, which is very human. It may also have been a deflection for her, something for her to focus on as the problem rather than acknowledging the real issue of her drinking.
I’m sorry you had to experience a period of homelessness; that should never have happened, and you didn’t deserve it or cause it. I’m glad to hear that you are now stable and independent. A huge well done to you! It’s not easy to pull yourself back up, and you did it! That is something to be truly proud of, even though it may not always feel like it.
Relationships can be difficult for anyone, but especially when you are a child of an alcoholic, whether that person continues to drink or not. It can affect communication and trust, and it can be hard to “let people in.” You may also feel like you can’t talk to others about your experience or that others can’t relate.
To answer your questions: yes, alcohol can increase isolation; yes, this does sound very familiar; and yes, many people can relate. Sleep issues, feelings of wasting life, and social anxieties are also very familiar. You are not alone.
There are groups for adult children of alcoholics where you can be around others who understand. They are online and also usually local-ish. If you would like help finding some, the Nacoa helpline can help find ones in your area, their email is: helpline@nacoa.org.uk. The helpline counsellors are also wonderful at talking things through, completely non-judgementally, and may help you build some confidence again, among other things.
I hope this helps. Know that Nacoa is a wonderful community of people who are very supportive and know what it’s like too.I hope you are able to work through your social anxieties. It can feel like a lot of trial and error, but one day it will become a little easier, and then even easier still. You've taken a great step in sharing on here - Please remember you are not alone and things can be better.
Listener
Hi ephe1
I am pleased you reached out on here. Your last word really got me!
Inadequacies... You are not inadequate!
Believe in yourself. You have been through a lot. You have grown up in a world that most people will never understand.
When my parent passed away I was scared of alcohol and drunk people in general. Going out socially was a no go for me. My friends were always saying I was boring for not going out drinking. I love the words "sober shaming" and use the phrase a lot now it's not common so it has a certain reaction to people and they don't know how to react. As time went on I was able to stand up for myself as I gained confidence in saying no. My larger group of friends got smaller because I couldn't be bothered with the hassle as like you my world was spinning.
Now my social circle is small but mighty.
My advice would be to find those who understand you for who you are and what you have been through and they will stay with you forever.
Nacoa are an amazing community and always here to support you.
First of all well done on now becoming stable and independent. This takes a lot of courage to take steps to change how our childhood has affected us.
I relate to what you say as being a CoA we are use to keeping things inside ourselves, so can make it hard to trust people or build friendships, but if there is one thing I have now learned is that you are not alone and by talking with people you can trust, this can be highly beneficial to you and help you move forward.
Never think you are failing, as by acknowledging how your mums drinking has affected you is part of the step of learning who you are.
I use to keep things bottled up and for the last years since finding nacoa I now find that by talking through with others that have been through something simular, has helped me so much so please do use the Nacoa community.