33 year old daughter of an alcoholic mum

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boop89

Hi to whoever reads this,

I’m just feeling low lately and looking for additional support.
I’ve tried to find things locally to me before to no avail. I’m based in a little town in Derbyshire.

As an only child of an alcoholic Mum, and having no relationship with my Dad anymore, I feel such weight on me. She lives alone back in Liverpool where I’m from and doesn’t look after herself in any way and has deteriorated mentally and physically through her drinking and lifestyle/the people she has started mixing with.

It’s so frustrating and saddening to see where she has ended up and how far removed she is to the Mum I remember from when I was little. She did always like a drink, but it was of a weekend in our kitchen. She played her music loud and it did distress me, but she looked after herself. She liked her clothes and styling her hair, doing her make up etc… now she doesn’t wash, barely moves and doesn’t leave her home, it’s in a really bad way. I’ve paid for it to be deep cleaned for hundreds of pounds yet within a few months it was back to just how it was.

I really related to a comment in one of the articles on here another COA wrote about how it’s like mourning a parent that is still alive, as you lose them to the alcoholism.

I just don’t know what to do. Acquaintances and friends have told me they’ve had to completely cut contact with parents with issues like this to protect themselves, but then I have my Mum’s neighbours and her limited friends that she still communicates with judging me for not being more involved and sorting her out.

I feel it’s taking it’s toll in other areas of my life too as it has created tension with my partner when I’ve been down about things with her and can be low and irritable, or sometimes I respond to things between him and I in extreme ways which I later recognise as being irrational and I’ve been struggling emotionally.
I’d love to know if there’s any support out there, especially locally to me.

  • webster

    First of all thank you for replying to my post.

    I am sorry I don't know of anything in Derbyshire for support, but just wanted to say I hear you and understand. Seeing your mum decline is the hardest thing. Knowing who she once was makes it even harder.

    Don't ever feel judged by anyone with how you handle things with your mum, people do not understand unless they have suffered like we have.

    People forget that we haven't chosen this life, yet we are put on the rollercoaster and have to cling on. I know that our mums haven't chosen to hurt us but it's so difficult to be level headed all the time. Please remember your not alone. I do get those ever changing emotions. Be kind to yourself.
    X

  • listener

    Hi there,

    Thank you for posting. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's deterioration, which must be so hard for you to watch. I echo Webster's kind words and just want you to know that there is no right or wrong answer - you just have to do what you feel is best for you, and that will look different for everyone.

    Something that could be useful for you to remember is the 6C’s, which are really important messages in situations like these:

    • I didn’t cause it
    • I can’t cure it
    • I can’t control it
    • I can take care of myself
    • I can communicate my feelings
    • I can make healthy choices

    In terms of local support, Al-Anon hold support groups for people affected by a parent or family member's drinking. You can search for your local area via this link, and if there aren't local groups they also have online options: https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/find-a-meeting/

    I hope this helps, and hope you find the support you're looking for.

    Take care,
    Listener

  • akop

    Hey
    I'm so sorry that you are struggling.
    Whatever you choose to do is completely your choice, no one elses. I personally found it helpful to set boundaries, not cut ties completely. For example not visiting a home and only meeting elsewhere.

    In Derbyshire there is the following: https://daas.uk.com/get-help/#someoneelse

    You are not alone, be kind to yourself and well-done for reaching out. Remember the NACOA helpline is also a contact point if you need somewhere to talk.

    Take care X

  • jfc89

    Hello, I saw your comment after googling looking for some self help, I’m also 33 from London, a daughter of an alcoholic mother. Things have got so bad lately, she’s been constantly drunk for months without the normal days of sounding semi-normal on the phone. I am finding my daily life challenging and feeling guilty for not being there for her, then I give her my all and my trust gets broken every, time. I am the only person with contact as she’s ruined her marriage with my step father and my younger brother won’t speak to her anymore. I feel I am all she has left and feel helpless, I feel like I’m ruining my own life by trying to help her, but I don’t want to live without her. I feel good for cutting her off for a week to take a break from the pain and then I’ll sit there on a Saturday night constantly ringing her mobile 50 times praying she’ll answer and be ok. I feel like reality has hit me hard and I’ve been trying to grasp on some form of hope for 10 years thinking she’ll recover. It pains me to think what the future brings. She’s refused me any access of involvement with the mental health and support alcohol services. She’s been placed 60 miles away in temporary accommodation, all alone. I just feel devastated for her. I don’t have any advice for support other than AL anon which I’ve heard their support groups are everywhere.

    So sorry you’re going through this, I feel your pain.

    • ashbash

      Hey I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling that must be really difficult. It sounds to me like you are such a loving, caring daughter and are doing what you can to support your Mum. I know how hard it is, but remember you cannot make somebody better, they need to want help in order to do that. I understand your feelings of guilt, but please remember you did not cause this. I think it is important for you to take a break and I hope you have some time for yourself to do the things you enjoy.
      Have a look on the NACOA website or give their helpline a call, there may be other services near you that they can put you in touch with.
      Take care x

    • boop89

      Hi,

      Sorry to hear you are going through the same.
      To be honest, if my mum doesn't answer or reply to texts I do nothing but try again another day as I know she'll just be drunk or asleep. If I could an ambulance to go check on her whenever she didn't answer there'd be someone out every day which isn't practical so I just have to leave her be to her choices. It's horrible when you get through and she's drunk, sends your anxiety through the roof doesn't it?
      I know it's difficult but you do need to take that step back and time away. Doesn't mean we have to completely cut contact, but reduce it for our own health and well being. If they wanted us in their lives they'd make more effort to get help and change. That's how I see it now anyway.
      Does her temporary accommodation tie in with having support? My mum has social care workers but she says they don't do much. I'd like her to move to some community living area where she is around people and also has support but I don't think she wants to.
      Currently planning my little wedding for later this year facing the reality of her not being there.

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