I don’t know anymore




I have never been part of any support group, but I feel that my mums drinking is having such a detrimental affect on me I need to get some help.

I am 42 and have 10year old twin girls. My dad passed away 7 years ago and since then my mums issue with alcohol has taken on a life of its own.

I have found her so many times unconscious, vomiting blood. So many ambulances, the paramedics started to recognise her. She has been on life support numerous times. I have lost count of the times we never thought she would pull through.

Yet she has pulled through each time and I now ask myself for what? So she can do it all again and cause the heartbreak to us. She has taken away so much happiness from me, I try to be a good mum but every knock on the door and a call from a number I don’t know makes my heart drop. Is this it?? Am I ready for it to be over? Or can I save her just one more time. I feel so lost, so angry and so ashamed for the feelings I have. I grieve the mother she once was, the loving beautiful mum. She isn’t there anymore, it’s this person I don’t know.

  • boop89

    Oh Webster :( I totally relate and sympathise, you are not alone. I'm sorry to hear of such extreme sadness and struggles her alcoholism has caused you.
    We feel obligated as her daughter to keep being there no matter what and to continually fight for them to be better and it's so hard.

  • listener

    Hi Webster,

    Thank you for your post. I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your dad and your mum's subsequent deterioration with alcohol. It sounds like the past 7 years have been so traumatic for you.

    I can only imagine how hard it is to see your mum like that. You're going through the same intense situation repeatedly, so it's only natural that it's taking a toll on you.

    I want to reassure you that all of those feelings are OK, and they're very common - anger, frustration, grief, sadness, fear. You are doing nothing wrong by feeling those things.

    Do you have any support around you? It's really important to shift at least some of the focus back onto yourself and what you need in order to feel better. Do you have any things that are helping you to cope right now?

    I hope you find support through these message boards. The Nacoa helpline is there for you too.

    Take care,

  • ashbash

    Hi Webster
    I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, it sounds really difficult for you.
    All the feelings that you are feeling are normal and this is not your fault.
    It must be so traumatic for you to have seen your Mum in such ill health, I know it definitely has for me. I hope you can find some support groups near you, but in the mean time NACOA is always there to support you whether that is online or through the helpline number.
    Take Care

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