A sad Christmas

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1988winter

Mothers aren’t supposed to be alcoholics. I’m an adult and for most of my childhood, my mother hid her secret of drinking alcohol. She is now dependant and experiences shakes if she does not drink.

I feel cheated. I feel anxious. I feel angry and I feel resentment towards her.

I don’t believe for a second that she has thought of how her drinking affects any one of us in the family and not does she believe it is a problem.

How do we help someone who doesn’t want help? I guess that we dont…

Christmas should be a time of enjoyment. Instead I was fuelled with anxiety of the big day ahead and fear of how she would be. Would there be a fight? An argument? Would I find her slumped out on the sofa?

I’m an awful person. I took it upon myself to water her drinks down so that I wouldn’t find her in the above state. It didn’t stop the drinking, of course, and she continued for days later.

I felt a strong urge to protect my siblings and to save Christmas.

Has anyone been in a similar position? Does anyone have any ‘solutions?’

  • fazza20

    Hi 1988winter, I am, so sorry to hear that you going through this, especially at Christmas which as you’ve said is supposed to be a happy time. It sounds like you are going through such a mix of emotions right now, whilst I can’t related directly to your current situation I just wanted to you know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

    You are not an awful person, it’s perfectly natural to want to protect your siblings and your mum by watering down her drinks. Please try and remember that you can not control or cure your mums drinking, alcoholism is a terrible illness which can’t simply be ‘fixed’ by not drinking.

    Please have a look on the nacoa experiences page & social media accounts Where you will see that you aren’t alone and there are many people experiencing what you are going through right now. Also the nacoa helpline is open from 12-6 daily and is for all ages.

  • uniquemind

    Hi 1998winter

    I am sorry you are going through this.

    You are not an awful person, what you are feeling is a natural response to the situations you have been apart of. Always remember, you are not to blame for your mothers drinking, you cannot simply fix alcoholism. The person experiencing substance misuse is the only person who has the key to getting better. I personally, have experienced exactly the same feelings of you as I was growing up and my mum used to drink to excess, especially Christmas day or big events.

    You are never alone, there is someone who understands your experiences from a personal point of view and there is a experiences page within Nacoa, which has a lot of experiences relating to people affected by alcoholism.

    I hope you're keeping well and looking after yourself during these difficult times.

  • littlemementor

    Reading your post made me instantly think 'please don't think you are an awful person'. None of it is your fault and I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I can totally relate to what you are saying and I remember doing the same thing, pouring out my mum's wine in the sink and experiencing all those emotions you mentioned.

    You are a strong person and to reach out is a brave thing to do so you should be proud of yourself. I hope you can find comfort in reading about other people's stories here on the Nacoa page and their social media pages. That has helped me personally and also to connect with other people who have gone through similar things. And remember the helpline is there if you want to talk or hear a friendly voice.

    Take care

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