Boundaries – why is it so hard !
Hi everyone,
This last week following mother’s day I realised that I just couldn’t watch my mum get drunk anymore and sadly I don’t think I’ve ever been able to be myself around her. I’ve been trying to do reduced contact for years and it’s still having a significant impact on my life even when I’m not seeing her.
I just can’t put myself in a situation where I loose more of myself every day, I can be doing just every day tasks and a wave of anger will hit me. Reminding me I’m not free of watching her get drunk as it’s in my mind and trapped in my body . It’s so draining, an indescribable exhaustion.
All the above being said I have blocked my mum and feel a sense of peace and shame. It’s the best choice I could possibly make right now .
Im worried that my grandad won’t want to respect my descion to cut contact with my mum . He’s well aware of her addiction and has said to me in the past ‘ can’t you say something to her to yet her to stop’ which I have told him its her choice not mine.
Honestly I want to cut him out too as I feel he’s just as narcissistic, doesn’t really want to hear me and only wants to talk about himself. I just don’t want to cut too many family members out at once .
Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?
Thanks for reading
Hi,
I struggled with boundaries too. When I put my wall up it often led to more arguments with my sister. Everything was on her terms even though it was my mam who drank. In hindsight I was the peace keeper and did everything I was told too by my sister. Bloods thicker than water. After my mam passed away therapy I realised I was very controlled. The one person who should be controlling your thoughts or your actions is you. My recommendation is to speak to someone out of the environment. Sometimes it's like you need permission to look after yourself in this chaos. The Nacoa helpline is a great place to start.
Hey
This is completely understandable it is very difficult to watch someone close to you who is struggling with addiction. The waves of anger are completely normal it is very traumatic growing up in an environment where a parent is an alcoholic and tends to have long lasting effects unfortunately, but it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom there is help and support out there for you with Nacoa and other agencies.
It is very important that you consider your needs for your own wellbeing, sometimes it does come with a feeling of shame, but you have nothing to be ashamed of you have done nothing wrong. I really hope you find some inner peace and manage to get some much needed support from your extended family.
I you would like further support please don’t hesitate to contact Nacoa through the helpline the number is 0800 358 3456 or email on helpline@nacoa.org.uk.
listener
I can really relate to your situation and feel from your words how angry & upset you are by your Mum's drinking and your Granddad's narcissism. It's so hard to get it right but I do think you are doing the right thing by setting strict boundaries around your Mum & potentially your Grandad. You have to protect yourself and conserve emotional energy. Spend time with people who are not selfish and can give back to you. I ended up not seeing my alcoholic Dad for 20 years and I struggle daily with setting boundaries to deal with my cold, narcissistic demanding Mum. So please don't feel bad about setting boundaries - you are not alone in needing to do that. Take care of yourself. X