i am angry and feel guilty for being so angry

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marie b

Hi,
its my first time here. After reading some of the messages i feel like i am less alone.
I lost my mum to cancer 15 years ago.
My dad has always been a drinker. My mum said he will drink himself in to an early grave. And she’s right. He’s on a very fast slope.

Dad is 73 and a very heavy drinker. He coped ok when mum first passed away. Ringing me to say he’d washed the nets. Going weekly shopping and planning dinners. Popping to the club for a “few” at lunch time. It slowly escalated it to bottles of gin to wash the beer down.

Two weeks ago he had a fall at the club. Then another fall at home where he couldn’t get up. He laid on the floor for two days before the police smashed the door down. He was taken to A&E where they kept him for 5 days. (in theory, drying out)
He was then transferred to a ward and discharged after 2 days. The hospital arranged for carers to visit.
When i got to his flat, i could see he was far from coping. The carers were right to complain. So guess who’s been cleaning every spare moment i have?? His “friend” did some shopping for him. Well a box of beers and a loaf of bread!!
Am i wrong for feeling angry? My bestie said i need to concentrate on my own family. I have 3 big kids and a 2 year old grandson (who my dad has never met or asked about).
I know he chooses the drink over me, i have lived with that for years. But its so frustrating i suppose, that he’s not interested in the kids. I give up my time to help him and get nothing back in return. I could be spending my time with my grandson, helping my son out who appreciates my help.
I am also sad. Sad for what the drink has done. Sad because my dad isn’t there. I wish i could just switch off. Stop worrying.

  • listener

    Hi,

    I'm sorry about the loss of your mum and your dad's subsequent deterioration.

    It sounds like things have become especially hard for you after your dad's recent falls. Seeing the state he has been living in and spending so much time cleaning for him must be exhausting. Especially when you don't feel appreciated.

    I hope I can reassure you that you're not wrong for feeling angry. And it's very natural to feel sad about how things are for your dad too. Those two emotions can feel conflicting, which can be confusing, but it's totally natural and valid to feel those things. Hopefully seeing other people post about similar experiences may help you come to terms with how you're feeling a bit more.

    Do you have any support around you? Dealing with all of this is exhausting and it can be easy to forget about your own needs. It's important to try and shift at least some of the focus back onto yourself and what you need in order to feel ok. I appreciate that this can be hard though, especially because your dad is unwell.

    I'm so glad the message boards have made you feel less alone. Keep using them as much as you need and take very good care of yourself.

    Listener.

    • marie b

      Thank you. Yes my hubby is amazing which makes me feel guilty even more. He shouldn't have to help me clean up. He even offered to shower my dad yesterday.
      I suppose its also due to loosing my mum to something that took hold of her and she couldnt stop.
      My dad had a choice to stop. To get help. This makes me angry.

  • marie b

    Thank you. Yes my hubby is amazing which makes me feel guilty even more. He shouldn't have to help me clean up. He even offered to shower my dad yesterday.
    I suppose its also due to loosing my mum to something that took hold of her and she couldnt stop.
    My dad had a choice to stop. To get help. This makes me angry.

    • listener

      It's so good to hear that your husband is an amazing support. I can see why this makes you feel more guilty, as you don't want him to suffer because of the problem. Try to remind yourself that this isn't your fault though - you are affected by the problem and you deserve the support.

      I can appreciate why the fact that your dad won't stop drinking or get any help is making you more angry, after losing your mum to something she had no decision in. That anger is very natural. I wonder if it might help you to externalise some of those feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal? Journalling can be a great way to feel a sense of relief from those intense feelings and can help you feel like your voice is being heard.

      Take care,
      Listener

  • southwellski

    Hi Marie B, I'm very new to this but I have found keeping a journal really helpful (and quite addictive) in dealings with the thoughts and feelings I need to get into some sort of order.

    Writing letters is another tool I find is great to let me say the things I want/wanted to say to those who have affected my life, and you don't have to send them getting the words out is enough. My wife is an incredible support too, I feel we are in this together.

    Good luck with your journey, you are not alone.

    Southwellski

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