Not necessarily looking for support or advice. It’s just it feels good to write this down as I never really talk about it.
My mum has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. There would be lots of shouting in my house as I child and it was only around the time I turned 12, 13 that I realised what being drunk looked like and from that point on I knew what was happening.
Her drinking would vary, some weeks it would be every day, sometimes she would go weeks without being drunk as far as I could tell. She would be really drunk on say a Tuesday night around the dinner table pretending she wasn’t. She would just say stupid things and often get confrontational. It really started to anger me. I didn’t understand it, I didn’t have sympathy, I was just angry at her.
My dad, sister and I would find vodka bottles hidden around the house and try to confront her on it. If we asked her “Why are you drunk?” when she was drunk, she would aggressively deny it and that’s when it would get nasty. If we just ignored it and brought it up the next day, she would say “I don’t want to talk about it” or “Not now, can we talk about it another time”. I can probably say between 2014 – 2019 my mum said she would try do better (it would never last) a maximum of three times. It was always just pretending the problem isn’t there.
Then in the summer of 2019, when my dad’s parents were visiting (I’m not sure to what degree they knew she had a problem, if at all), my mum phoned the police on my Dad citing domestic abuse. It did not happen, she was drunk and angry for whatever reason and this was her way of getting one on him. My dad is the most gentle person, he is a shy man and avoids any confrontation if he can. Their ‘arguments’ would just be a one way shouting match. Anyway, the police turned up and had to question my dad, in front of his parents.
This for me was the final straw. I said to myself on that day, I will not speak to my mother until she stopped drinking. I was 19 at this point and it would just annoy me so much. My relationship with her was doing me more harm than good. I’ve still not spoken a word to her three and a half years later.
I have since moved to a different city with work and live with my girlfriend. I do visit home, so occasionally I still see her, but I do not speak to her when she tries to speak to me. It is a bit silly and awkward, especially in the presence of outside family and friends who are not aware I don’t speak to her. I know she still drinks heavily.
I still have a good relationship with my dad, so I get get on with life completely fine. I don’t feel isolated from my family or anything like that. Part of me wishes I tried harder to fix the issues at the time but it felt impossible. I hold a small amount of anger to my dad for not standing up for me and my sister more, especially when we were younger. I feel he was happy to let it happen as a way to minimise conflict.
Despite this, my childhood was good. She was a good mother, there is no doubt about that. She always made sure I had what I needed and I really loved her, I still do. I don’t feel it had any lasting effects on me. I made a promise to myself one day and I have kept it. It was only meant to be a temporary thing. It was to protect myself and hoping that maybe not having a relationship with her son would make her stop drinking or at least want to have a serious conversation about it. But it never happened, and I’m not sure it will ever happen sadly. What bothers me is that there is a somewhat likely chance that one day my mum will die and I go to her funeral having not spoken to her since I was a teenager. That’s what upsets me about all this. She is in her fifties, so she is not old but I just cannot see how this changes.
I am doing just fine. I don’t really need any help or support. I just came across this charity and website which is applicable to me, so it felt good to write down.
Thanks for reading if you did.