Weekend Drinking
I am sure that my husband has a drink problem. He drinks an enormous quantity of wine each weekend night but abstains during the working week when he holds down a good job. Each weekend evening, he drinks himself into a stupor. He isn’t violent but he is rude, insensitive and has an extremely short fuse. If we are out (obviously outside lockdown) he will fall asleep at the table or at friends’ houses. He gets angry if anyone tries to wake him up. I have tried, over and over, to explain how upsetting his behaviour can be for me and our child who is now starting to understand and cry about it. He won’t change his behaviour and I don’t think it’s ever going to get any better. If we go on holiday, he drinks every day. Christmas is a nightmare. We share a child and a house. We are able to give our child a comfortable life – if I take him to a small flat, his quality of life will be so damaged but, in my heart, I know it’s more damaging to keep him at home with his dad. If I take him away then he won’t see his dad as he isn’t safe to care for a child while he’s drunk. Do I need to leave for my child’s sake or is it in his best interests that I stay?
Hi there,
I'm so sorry to hear all that your family are going through right now. I can hear how much you and your child are struggling with your husband's drinking, and his changing behaviour when he is drunk.
It must be so hard for you knowing how much this is affecting your child but being unsure about how to help. Many parents face the dilemma of whether to stay in the family home or taking their child out. Unfortunately I don't think there's a straightforward answer to this, as each family and situation is unique. Making that decision is very much down to what you feel is best for yourself and your child, and it's a very individual decision.
There are loads of resources on the Nacoa website that you might find helpful. There is guidance on supporting your child through this and resources you could go through with him to help him understand his dad's drinking a bit better.
The website is having technical difficulties today but once it is working, you can find some resources here: https://nacoa.org.uk/research-resources/
Do you have any support around you at the moment? This is so hard for you to go through and it's important to reach out when you need to, so it's really positive that you're using these message boards. If you'd like to talk to Nacoa for more support and resources, you can always contact the helpline (0800 358 3456 / helpline@nacoa.org.uk).
Take good care,
Listener
Sorry to hear about this.
You could try talking to him WHEN he is sober and calm. If he loves you he should understand and try to figure a way out. Speak to councillors. Try to save your marriage & family life.
If everything fails, leave!
You are better out without an alcoholic!
Hi,
I am sorry you are experiencing this. It is a difficult situation with families and substance misuse. Although, you must take into account your needs and whether you feel it is stable for a child to be in a substance misuse environment. I hope he accesses help for his drinking. Every family situation is different and there will be no quick fix or answer. Also, you need to think about your child and your well-being. As someone who grew up in an alcoholism environment throughout my teens I was always in fight and flight mode and this affected my life-style choices and mental well-being. It was only since I left the environment I grew as a individual and had more stable well-being. from your post, It looks like the alcoholism in the environment is functional at the time being so maybe early intervention or access to support is needed.
I hope this helps
Thank you so much for your replies. I have tried really hard to talk to him about this and I always wait until he's sober. But he says that I'm nagging and that, because he works hard all week, I should let him drink at the weekends. He thinks that I'm the one with the problem. It's very hard as, if you were to talk to me on a Wednesday, I'd tell you that we have a good life and everything we want - he's not drunk and we plan things for the future. But, come Friday evening, he comes in with two bottles of wine and it isn't long before he's being horrid and then falling asleep leaving me upset and on my own. I spend a lot of time protecting our child from him - I don't mean that he might be violent to him but he is aggressive and critical. That stops me from being a good mum because I have to be extra kind to balance the scales. I can't talk to anyone about it as everyone I know also knows my husband and it wouldn't be fair to "tell tales" about him. How on earth can I persuade someone to get help when he thinks that I'm the one with the problem?