The conspiracy of silence has made sure I never ask
Sometimes I feel relief that she is gone, relief that the merry go round I was on has finally stopped and will never start again. Guilt is the main emotion that has accompanied this relief
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Home Isolated with the family secret Page 13
Sometimes I feel relief that she is gone, relief that the merry go round I was on has finally stopped and will never start again. Guilt is the main emotion that has accompanied this relief
Just to hear about the disease in a non-judgmental way and to be heard can end years of isolation and be profoundly healing.
I feel so different to other people and compare myself to my work colleagues who had a normal upbringing.
I had never been aware of what was wrong with her. I had had no one to guide me or to tell me that it was not my problem or that she had one.
I still suffer to this day, I suffer from the shame, I suffer thinking it’s something I have done, it will not go away, the feeling that I was and am worthless, will stay with me for the rest of my life.
To the world outside everything was fine, a normal middle class family.
To anyone that has gone through a similar thing I would like to say: things get better, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
“Don’t trust, don’t talk, don’t feel,” these are the rules of a dysfunctional family.
I wanted people to understand, to know what I was going through, but no one understands unless they’ve experienced it themselves and I was too messed up to let people get close.
I have had the courage to heal the sickness inside me. To rid myself of the shame and blame and guilt that was never mine anyway.
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