A letter I never sent.
A letter I wrote months ago but felt I could never send…
I know that no matter how much I beg and plead and wish for you to see that your life is valuable, that it is worth living and that despite all, you are the narrator of your story – I can’t make you see that. I can’t make you see that you are not helpless – I can’t make you hope.
Mummy, you are ill and you have an illness.
But you are also strong, capable, kind, empathetic and so loved by your 4 children.
Every time I watch you drink to excess, or when I find you passed out on the kitchen floor, or in such a blind rage – it genuinely feels like my heart is being ripped out of me.
I would not be the person I want to be or the daughter you deserve or a good sister if I did not tell you this: when you poison yourself, you poison our entire family. You are not a victim, you are a survivor, but it’s time to live and thrive now.
You can not keep expecting us to keep watching you declare your death wish. I would be lying if I said I wanted you to get better just for you. I want you to get better because Every time that you choose to hurt yourself, you tear our relationship, and destroy our happiness and memories.
You killed the child in me and you kill the image we had of you as our supermum, our hero, our angel. I have given you all of the excuses, and all of the justifications I can possibly come up with because I don’t want to believe that you don’t want to live any longer, that I am not enough to live for, that you don’t want to be my mum, that you don’t want to be the grandmother to my children.
But also I want you to get better for you, to know that you aren’t your disease, and that you are capable of saving yourself.
I have always imagined that one day I will pull you out of the water you’re drowning in but I can’t just throw you a life buoy and save you – you have to want to grab it and hold on, try to swim and fight to breath. Please do not give up on yourself, please don’t give up on us, and most of all, please don’t give up on the life you deserve to live.
I love you with my entire being, I am so grateful for everything you do – which I know you do because you love, feel and hurt so much. I wish you knew how loved you are, how wanted you are and how much I want you to be happy.
I feel like I can’t be happy if I know how deeply unhappy you are – but I also can’t sacrifice my happiness for you anymore. I’m choosing to fight for the life I deserve and I hope you do too and I will be there always to fight the fight with you.
Find the help you so need and deserve, the help which will empower and free you