Drunk mum vs sober dad is exhausting
My mum is an alcoholic and has been for a while but in the last 2-3 years it’s gonna pretty bad , and in the last few years I’ve learnt when your drunk you can start an argument over ANYTHING, she’s constantly starting arguments and yelling at my dad , clapping in his face , getting all up in his face and all that kinda stuff but the arguments are always about things that have happened in the past (all things that are probs why she drinks) and they are almost always an attack on my dad , like when he was sick and bedridden for a long time , or the fact she hates his parents ect but I always get involved in them when I know I shouldn’t , and I always end up running my mouth and making it 10x worse but idk if I’m doing the right thing , because he will just sit there and take it , everyone in my family will because we all know when she’s drunk that’s just how it is , you just have to let her yell (well I don’t let her but I pay the price) , I guess I’m just not sure what to do , so I just let her yell? Do I stick up for him and have her yell and insult me my dad and our relationship saying he’s “brainwashed me” , or what , like at this point I have no clue what to do or how to help either of them , sometimes I wonder if I should just call the police and let them be in for the shock of their life , maybe that will finally kick start her getting sober, but anyways sorry for this kinda incoherent rant I just really don’t know what to do to
I've never related to something more in my life. Im sorry your going through This. the difficult thing is you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and when you're mum is drunk it wont be her talking it's fight or flight for her. Id try speaking to your dad when your mum isn't around and getting his opinion on things then go from there. I hope it helps a little bit 😊
It’s such a difficult situation to be in. What I’ve learned is that arguing with someone who has been drinking is never usually helpful, as they don’t have the ability to take another persons perspective while under the influence. It’s best to try to address issues while they are sober if you can. That doesn’t mean you need to tolerate someone’s drunken behaviour if they are upsetting you, so if you have a choice to remove yourself from the situation (leaving to go to a safer space like a friends house or going to another room) then that is usually the best option. Could you think about a plan in advance for removing yourself from arguments if they start? It would be a good idea to speak to your dad as well and let him know how much this upsets you and agree a plan for how you both will address this behaviour going forward (best option) or how you can at least keep yourself safe (emotional safety is important too) if they begin to argue.
Most importantly, take good care of yourself and try to find ways to relieve stress if you can (talking to people you trust about how you feel, hobbies, creative activities like writing or drawing etc). It’s very hard being in this situation, but you are not alone. You can contact the Nacoa helpline too if you want to speak to someone who understands. Take care.
So sorry to hear of this really difficult time you are having. Well done for reaching out here, it’s so helpful to have a place to talk and you know you can always call the helpline too and have someone at the end of the phone. I can totally see why it would feel instinctive to want to back up your dad but unfortunately you will never get the response you need or deserve from someone drunk. There is also something called the drama triangle where you can get looped into a cycle of a persecutor, victim and rescuer. These roles can change between individuals but it’s something to consider and be aware of because it can be really tricky to break throughout your life if you’re not conscious of it. It’s best to step away and not give any power to the drama. This may also influence your dads response if he isn’t being ‘rescued’.
It’s so important that you remember yourself in all this and know none of it is your fault.
Take care of yourself and you always have a safe space here to talk
😊
Hi catzz_143, thank you for sharing your experience which I know will be acutely familiar to those of us who lived with alcoholic parents growing up.
Everyone and every situation is different, but from my own experience, I can say that arguing with an angry parent who's under the influence of alcohol rarely ends positively. Rather than try to single-handedly solve this situation, I'd recommend thinking about your own well-being and how you're best to cope with a problem that you have so little control over.
Depending on the relationship you have with your Dad, it might be an idea to speak to him one to one to discuss how you can support each other during those difficult periods. It may also be worth opening up to friends and other relatives too - I've always found that being able talk things through with people I trust can make all the difference.
Of course, the Nacoa helpline is always there for you too: 0800 358 3456.
Wishing you all the best.
Hi catzz_143,
Thank you for reaching out. I really hope the other comments on your post have been helpful.
What a diffficult situation you are in. It is totally understandable to want to get involved to stick up for your dad. I hear how much you're struggling and how you want to help.
As others have said, it might be an idea to speak to your dad in private, to come up with a plan for when these arguments arise. Trying to reason with someone when they have been drinking can often be unproductive, although I do appreciate it's much easier said than done so don't be hard on yourself for struggling with this!
Do you have support around you at the moment? Nacoa is here for you if you need more support, and please do keep posting on these message boards if you find it helpful.
Take good care of yourself,
Listener