I just need to say something
I remember my dad’s alcoholism from the age of 15. He was obviously drinking before but it had been hidden. I’m an only child, sort of, it’s all down to me to check in on him. I love him, but today is so hard. I’ve been checking in for over 30 years.
I wrote some words because I can’t say it all out loud. Not yet, I’m not ready.
Today I feel like shit. My lips, my face, my throat filled with a million flies.
Why didn’t you help him?
Why didn’t you do more?
Why didn’t you ……
Because he chose alcohol
He chooses alcohol
He didn’t choose me.
I am not enough.
Today is too much.
Right now I want to cry it away
Today I don’t want it
Right now I can’t do it
It’s been so long since I felt like this
I’m apologising in my head for having these feelings.
He says he loves me. I know behind all the alcohol and his own reasons he does. I believe he wishes this were different. But today it all aches.