I just need to say something

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bear

I remember my dad’s alcoholism from the age of 15. He was obviously drinking before but it had been hidden. I’m an only child, sort of, it’s all down to me to check in on him. I love him, but today is so hard. I’ve been checking in for over 30 years.
I wrote some words because I can’t say it all out loud. Not yet, I’m not ready.

Today I feel like shit. My lips, my face, my throat filled with a million flies.
Why didn’t you help him?
Why didn’t you do more?
Why didn’t you ……
Because he chose alcohol
He chooses alcohol
He didn’t choose me.
I am not enough.

Today is too much.
Right now I want to cry it away

Today I don’t want it
Right now I can’t do it
It’s been so long since I felt like this
I’m apologising in my head for having these feelings.
But
You
Didn’t
Choose me.

He says he loves me. I know behind all the alcohol and his own reasons he does. I believe he wishes this were different. But today it all aches.

  • listener

    Hi bear,

    I'm so sorry to read the pain in your post (which is very well written by the way). All I can say is please know that you are not alone, and the helpline is there if you want to talk about anything in more detail.

    - listener

    • here2help

      Hi bear,

      This is beautifully written, I love the line “My lips, my face, my throat filled with a million flies.” I am so sorry you’ve had a hard day when you wrote this. I feel I can relate to this feeling you’ve described in this poem of wishing your dad would choose you over alcohol. I am also an only child whose father was an alcoholic. I have felt like this many times and you aren’t alone.
      It is so hard to see someone we love, and especially a parent, follow a path of addiction and it is understandable to wish they’d put us first and be the parent we want and need them to be. COA’s often have complicated relationships with our parents where we feel more like the parent than the child and have taken on a caretaker role at times. It can feel unfair to have that responsibility. I hope you keep writing and finding ways to express how you’re feeling even if you feel you can’t tell him directly. I hope you feel you have others you can talk to about this, it’s very helpful to build a support network. You can also call Nacoa’s helpline or post again on this board at any time. Make time for self care and be kind to yourself, you are important.

      Take care,

      Here2Help

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