I still find it hard to reflect on

I was 13 when I realised my dad was drinking at home.

Mum was out working and me and my brother were at school. I found an empty carton of wine on the floor somewhere.

It is a really difficult story to tell because it still remains so confusing and convoluted in my memory. Memories here and there – good and bad.

I idolised my dad before the age of 13

He used to call me “his peach” or “princess”. He made me laugh every single day. He was goofy and silly but also incredibly quick witted. He loved and cared about me so much. I felt it deeply in my core. He would have done anything for me.

He taught me important lessons such as “you can only ever try your best – if you try your best you’ve done enough”; “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do”.

He always had my back. I also shared a lot of similar interests to him – literature, history, music, films. We had loads in common.

As a teenager I lost all of that

It felt like as if overnight he just disappeared. My long, arduous grieving process started then without me even knowing it.

It felt like suddenly, he was unkind, controlling, rude and I had a deep sense that he judged me or lost respect for me. He used to be my biggest cheerleader, now he was trying to put me down.

I generally had a happy teenage life despite this. I had a loving mum and brother; I did well at school and I had loads of wonderful friends and fun social life.

When I reached my mid-twenties, I was anxious about a lot of things

I was trying to be perfect all the time, working hard, carried guilt and shame, and was always trying to find ways to fix dad and I felt responsible for him. I went to therapy, started yoga and journalling, and worked on my own mental health.

I learnt a lot about my relationship with my dad, I grieved for the dad I had lost and would probably never get back; I was angry, sad, frustrated about our relationship.

I also had lovely memories of him before his illness and they were something to hold on to but something also so sad to reflect on.

My relationship with dad was tumultuous until he passed away in 2024

We could reconcile after an argument and see each other, then we wouldn’t see each other or communicate for a while. I still find it hard to reflect on and come to terms with.

I miss him now and grieve him not being here, all at the same time whilst being aware of the amount of sadness and anxiety he would bring me whilst he was alive.

I am a therapist now for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I still work on me, and I love to meet others who went through similar experiences to me. I think it helps to release any shame and makes you feel less alone in the experience.

People reach out to me sometimes to tell me their story or just to say that what I share resonates with them.

I am always so grateful for their bravery and love making new connections and building a community with new people.

Lucy

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