Why couldn’t I have a ‘normal’ mum?

My mother was the most beautiful, talented, loving and kind person when she was sober. However, when she was drunk, she was a monster.

My sister and I used to walk home from school. We would get to our front door and just stand there for a bit. We never knew what we were going to enter into: a loving sober mother, a drunk mother, or a mother who was in hospital because she had tried to kill herself or had been sectioned. The hospital visits were endless.

I think only people who have been here can understand how this affects you.

Memories

• One time when Mum was drunk, she was dishing up our tea but had forgotten me. A small thing, but very hurtful for a child. I thought she never loved me.
• I remember standing in my school playground and I saw my mum walking down the road. I wet myself there and then as I knew she was going to the shops to buy alcohol.
• Mum would hide her drink anywhere. One day my dad noticed she was drinking a lot of orange squash. He got the bottle and realised it was mainly vodka. All us kids would drink squash, so it was lucky my dad was so astute.
• One time after my dad had taken her drink away, my mum had me up against the back door with a knife to my throat as she thought I knew where her drink was. I was about 8 at the time. I was terrified Mum was going to kill me.
• I remember walking with my mum and my brother who was in a pram, and she just stepped out in the road. A bus was coming but luckily, he managed to break in time. Mum just laughed.

These are just a few of the things we went through. We went through so much more as, unfortunately, my mother was drunk much more than she was sober.

I could never understand why I couldn’t have a ‘normal’ mum like all my friends and why my mum never loved me.

Mum must have been a very ill woman

I remember the day she died like it was yesterday. I quite often get flashbacks to it. She died of alcohol poisoning at the age of 36, I was 10. 

As I got older, I realised that my mum must have been a very ill woman, and I know she never wanted to die.

Reading other people’s stories has given me the courage to share mine.

Unfortunately, Nacoa wasn’t around when I was younger but since I have found it as an adult, it has been such a help to know other people have been through similar and there is help out there.

Mandy

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