I was worried people might see me and my family as different
The strongest emotion I remember feeling as a child was embarrassment. This really stemmed from fear, fear of being judged.
These fears lingered with me into adulthood and has probably been the biggest thing I’ve worked on over the years.
I was worried people might see me and my family as different. My mum was white British, and my dad was from Mauritius.
He had issues with alcohol for years before I was a twinkle in their eyes. My parents separated when I was 18 months old.
To understand that only 18 months into my existence my parents could no longer be together of course had its impact on the stories I would tell myself.
Really it had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with their partnership and his drinking behaviours.
Which version of my Dad would I see?
My dad’s drinking for most of my childhood might be considered “functioning”. He held down a job and he somehow remembered to pick me up from school on the days he had me. I would dread those days.
Which version of my Dad would I see? Dishevelled and smelly or bright eyed and present.
Oh, the joy I would feel if it was the latter. “He did it, he did it for me! Maybe this time he will stay like this” my little self would say to herself.
If only that came true.
His drinking got worse
Sadly, around my late teens and early 20’s his drinking got worse. His decline around this time was the most painful to watch. Probably because I was much older and, as an only child, I felt more responsibility for him.
He no longer worked, he no longer had a girlfriend and I lived far away from him. The addiction finally had its way with him, and I believe he couldn’t find a reason to stay alive any longer.
It took him years but eventually he passed from alcohol related reasons. Although his death certificate stated pneumonia. It never once crossed my mind to challenge it and ask for his alcohol use to be stated.
The imprints it had left on me
It wasn’t until I found Nacoa many years later and educated myself on these things that I understood how important it is to have this recorded. Alcohol related deaths are rising and of course that means children are being orphaned because of it.
I didn’t speak about my dad’s addiction for years after he passed. I finally felt some peace as well. I think I wanted to relish in this peace for as long as possible having not had it for so long.
But while I was relishing, I was also avoiding what was glaringly important to deal with. The imprints it had left on me. It took me almost 20 years before I decided to explore the impact his addiction had on me.
A beam of light
I believe it had a negative impact on my romantic relationships or should I say caused a lack of romantic relationships. This also created deep feelings of unworthiness. When I say deep, I mean it was almost unconscious.
Following a bout of depression in November/December 2019 I decided in January 2020 enough was enough. I embarked on a very deep personal introspective journey.
It was life changing. I also found Nacoa around this time. To find them and all the other research I did was like finally having a beam of light shine down on me. It felt warm and comforting. I felt immense peace and acceptance.
Understanding the impact trauma can have
I learned there were more of us out there. I hadn’t once considered I was part of a tribe of other people who had similar upbringings. Not only that we have similar traits. I also learned that lack of childhood memories is also a thing!
Until then I had always put it down to a lack of intelligence or my brain was defected. Through educating myself I now understand the impact trauma can have on us.
Through my work coaching other children of alcoholics, I am on a mission to keep reaching as many of us as possible. To educate those that don’t understand what addiction can do to the family and to raise awareness about Nacoa.
