The chaos lived in a bottle

In the past, my go-to escape was lacing up my old North Star runners and heading out to the country back roads of Langley.

Running was my way of coping with chaos. Unlike adults, children can’t simply leave a bad situation because they are entirely dependent on their caregivers. So, I did what I could – I ran.

The root of my anxiousness

The chaos lived in a bottle, and it could last up to 2 weeks. Then a reprieve would come, and the house would be cleaned up and re-stocked. This period lasted a week or a month, but the unknowing and the waiting was the root of my anxiousness.

To this day I struggle most with schedule changes. I think because knowing what I am doing is so comforting. I love routine and most likely as there was such a lack of it when I was a kid.

My Mom was an alcoholic and the chaos that came with that was deep and consuming. Different men lived with us, some kind and some very mean and abusive.

Abuse of all kinds

I experienced abuse of all kinds during periods of her drinking. She would pass out, and the house was a free for all for those of us inside it.

I loved her. It took till my adult life to understand that boundaries were not only ok, but necessary for my wellness. I could not make her stop drinking, I could not give her sobriety. Only she could do that and as much as she tried, it never stuck.

Setting boundaries

When I was a young adult, I set a boundary with her. I would only see her when she was sober. It was too emotionally scary to be around her when she was drinking. I loved her and yet I could not handle the drunk days.

My Mom died when I was 39 years old, our son was only 2. Since then, it has been healing and learning and now working as a psychotherapist helping others find their healing path.

I of course am led by my heart and many of the things I have learned about healing and of course, addiction. I know that I cannot change the past, but I can assert some agency over today and how I choose to live.

She had no choice

I always loved my mom and even in times of 2-week binges, as a child I could see she had no choice. Once the drinking started and that she did not want to drink, but she did, she was addicted to soothing with alcohol.

It was compulsive for her, and painful for me to see the inner battle the days before she drank. I could see her trying to fight it, but in the end the alcohol always won.

I miss her still

Today I work with many folks who struggle with addiction of all kinds. Substances but also behavioural addictions. The pathway in the brain is the same. The compulsion to soothe takes hold of their choice before they know what is happening.

I loved my mom. I miss her still. Sober mom was her beautifully kind self, it’s that part of her I reflect on when I think of her.

Leah

Leah Pells is a mum, registered clinical counsellor, three time Olympian and published author. She is also a survivor of developmental trauma and believes in the healing nature of human connection, nature and movement. Leah strives to live in the present and notice good moments.

Her book “Not about the Medal” can be purchased at: www.word-nerd.ca

To read more experience stories, go to Support & Advice.