Alcohol addiction is the elephant in the room

This week is Children of Alcoholics Week. And I am the child of an alcoholic.

Even 25 years after losing my dad to this devasting disease (and yes it is a disease), I still don’t like to admit it because it feels like I’m betraying him.

If something else more socially acceptable had claimed his life it might be easier to talk about. But it isn’t.

I feel very protective of my dad, his memory and what people think of him.

Every time I discuss his drinking and its impact on our family, I feel the need to caveat it with examples of his fantastic sense of humour, his brilliant and successful career, and just how loved he was.

But it’s very hard to separate the two. To love the person but to hate what he did.

I still live in the shadow of his drinking

My dad passed away in February 2001. Although the days of finding stashed Vodka bottles around the house (sorry dad for outing you here) are long gone, I still feel like I live in the shadow of his drinking. Even though I’m grown up and have my own family now.

Alcohol addiction is the elephant in the room. People don’t know how to talk to you about it. And the grief is different. Not many people came to my dad’s wake as they felt uncomfortable.

Someone made a joke about the manager of the local off licence being there. I don’t think they’d have made a joke about his death if he’d died of cancer.

I was 11 when I realised he was ill

My dad drank heavily for about ten or fifteen years. We’re not too sure as it’s something that creeps up on you and by the time you notice the signs, the disease has well and truly taken hold. I was only 11 when we realised he was ill.

I couldn’t focus at school because I was so worried about him and I dreaded what I’d come home to. I remember handing in homework with tear stains on it.

We lived in quite an affluent area and my dad was the bread winner. But after he lost his job at a big international soft drinks manufacturer, we lived in fear of his drinking being found out by the next employer, and the next, and the one after that. And they always did.

I learned to read every aspect of his behaviour

We spent our days walking on eggshells. We couldn’t risk upsetting him in case we made him drink again.

I learned to read every aspect of his behaviour and I could tell within ten seconds of seeing him that he’d been drinking.

I wanted him to stop so desperately. I tried everything I could but I was only a child. I even poured my heart into a letter begging him to stop and stashed it in his briefcase. He never mentioned it to me.

Those days were my loneliest. I needed help but didn’t know where from. It was so isolating.

This is not your issue to fix

If only I’d known about Nacoa UK I might not have felt so alone. I might have found a way to talk about what was happening and how I was feeling. It would’ve lightened my burden a little.

To anyone out there affected by a parent’s drinking, remember this is not your issue to fix. It might feel scary but remember how brave you are. Try and reach out for some support from Nacoa UK. Remember you are not alone.

He didn’t know how to deal with what was troubling him

And to dad – I am sorry we weren’t able to help you. And I’m sorry it took me so long to understand. I hope you don’t mind that sometimes I’m still angry at you. But through it all I still love you.

And to anyone else reading this – please don’t think badly of him. He was an amazing person, he just didn’t know how to deal with what was troubling him.

Kelly

To read more experience stories, go to Support & Advice.