Breaking away from feelings of the past

This year I am running the Great North Run to raise money for Nacoa.

As an adult who grew up as a child of an alcoholic parent, I would like to share my story and how it affected me growing up.

My mam turned to alcohol

At the age of 11 it felt like my whole world fell apart. My mam turned to alcohol.

I struggled to understand this for a long time because before this it felt like everything was normal.

The truth is it wasn’t. I just wasn’t old enough to understand what was going on and what my Dad had been sheltering us from.

Slowly but surely things started to take a turn and her drinking got worse and worse. I faced some of the most horrific and scary situations no child should ever have to face.

It got to the point I was afraid to be alone with her because I know something bad was going to happen.

My family completely fell apart

At the age of 13 my family completely fell apart. They got divorced, which was something I had never imagined happening to my family when I looked back at how “normal” we had always been.

For some reason this felt like the worst thing that had happened. Even though for years prior I had been faced with so much worse.

It felt like my hope that everything would be okay has crumbled. The realisation had hit that it wasn’t okay, and maybe never would be.

I felt completely abandoned

My Mam left us to go and live with my grandparents and to try and get some help. She spent years in and out of rehabilitation clinics, but unfortunately none of them seemed to work.

It felt like they only made it worse.

I felt like I had been completely abandoned by her for alcohol. I was overcome with so many different feelings. Worry, shame, anger, confusion, abandonment, and they all had to be kept secret.

I decided to cut contact

At the age of 17 I decided to cut all contact with her and have honestly never looked back. The weight of worry, depression and anxiety stuck for a while but over time I seemed to ease off. I don’t think that feeling will ever truly go away.

This experience massively effected my self-confidence. Growing up I always thought if my own mother doesn’t care enough to finally get sober, look after me, and be how a mother should be, then why would anyone else care, including caring about myself.

I lived with uncertainty and self-doubt

For years and years, I lived with uncertainty and self-doubt. I am doing this run to prove to myself that I am good enough and I can do anything I put my mind to.

I always had the worry in the back of my mind that I could turn out just like her and this run is to prove the opposite. I am my own person, and I will not be defined by my past.

For a long time, I carried feelings of shame and isolation, believing my experience was something I had to hide.

Your parent does not define who you are

By running for Nacoa, I want to turn that experience into something positive – raising awareness that so many children are affected by parental alcoholism and that they are not alone.

Your parent does not define who you are or your abilities to do something good in the world.

I have worked on my mental health and who I am for so many years to break away from the feelings of the past. I finally have the confidence to put that into action.

Every child deserves to feel supported, heard and understood

Every child deserves to feel supported, heard and understood. I hope my run helps shine a light on an issue that is often hidden but massively impactful.

Nacoa is a beautiful charity that I wish I had heard about sooner. I think children going through similar situations to my past should have a support system. I truly appreciate the amazing work they do to give the support children truly deserve.

I look back now at what I have been through, and I wish that on no other child. Thank you to Nacoa for doing what not all parents can.

Hannah

To donate to Hannah’s Great Run, please visit her JustGiving page. To read more experience stories, go to Support & Advice.