I do not believe you set out to become addicted to alcohol

Dear Dad,

It’s been 25 long years since I last saw you. I am now older than you were when you passed away, which absolutely blows my mind.

I often wonder what I would tell you if I had just one more day to spend with you.

I was only 25 years old when you died. I have grown and matured so much since then. So much has happened in my life, and I have so many questions and things I would like to say.

I want to tell you that I will never forget …

… the times you tickled mine and my siblings’ feet when we begged you to, whilst we rolled around the floor giggling so hard. 

… you coming home with random fun things that we could play with each time you were thinking about starting a new business like arm bands, a fruit machine, or an ice cream cart. Of course, most things were left in the garage or later just disappeared, but we had fun with them first. 

… how you used to play your music instruments when all I wanted was peace and quiet. Still, I would tell you how proud I was of you and that you were so talented… if you were here. 

… the day you nursed my poorly budgie on a pillow in front of the fire until he died. You were so tender and gentle. 

… how you would jump on the ice at the local canal to make sure it was safe for me and my brother to skate on in our wellies. What fun we had!! 

… you understood my insomnia as a child and would allow me to stay up when you were home from the pub until I fell asleep. 

… when I gave birth to my baby girl at the age of 21 years, you were outside the delivery room and would not leave until you knew we were ok, and she was born safely. Given our history, the fact you gave the time to do that meant the world to me. 

Sadly, I will also never forget … 

… the times you would go away for days on a bender with the money that was meant to feed, clothe and keep us warm. 

… the times you took your anger out on me as a small child, physically and emotionally. 

… the times you belittled my little brother, something we are still trying to help him with to this day. Sadly, he now has as many demons as you and has followed a similar path. But in the same way I loved you, I love him and support him unconditionally because I saw everything and experienced it myself. 

… the time you left me and my younger brother in a van when we were aged 6 and 7 in the car park for what felt like an eternity, just so you could have a drink. We were so young and so so frightened because it was so dark. 

… the number of times you let me and my siblings down, so many I cannot count. Even at the age of 50, I still expect people to let me down or for things to go wrong. I just can’t shake that feeling. 

… the days I would be ready to go to school, and you would just be coming home from a several-day bender as if everything was normal. But it wasn’t normal. 

… you chose to leave our family for your new wife when I was 12 years old. You never came to me and my siblings to reassure us that you would still be in our lives. When we came home, you were gone, and we did not see you for 6 months. We did not know where you were.

This became a pattern throughout my whole teenage years. So much wasted time. It was only as I reached adulthood that you came into our lives consistently again. I didn’t really know you then. It was like getting to know you and your demons for the first time. 

… how you broke my mum’s heart and left her to take care of me and my siblings alone. 

… the times I would leave my house to go to school, and you were sleeping in your car at the back of our house because you had nowhere else to go. This was heartbreaking. You were my dad, and I couldn’t do anything to help you. I later came to understand that your new wife would throw you out of the house regularly, and so you had to sleep rough from time to time. 

… the times you exposed me and my siblings to your very violent wife. Not only did you not try to protect us, but you also placed us in harm’s way on many, many occasions. My memories of her still haunt me to this day, as she scared me so much. I could never understand that you didn’t see how wrong this was, or maybe you didn’t care. 

… coming to terms with the fact that you were never going to put me first. I remember realising that I would always come way down your list of priorities. 

… the 3 months I spent in the hospital watching you die in front of my eyes. Nothing on this earth could have prepared me for what I was about to experience with you during that time. I will forever be haunted by your pain and vulnerability as you slowly became weaker and weaker until eventually you were no longer there, and I could do nothing to help save you. It was too late! I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. 

I wish … 

… I could have helped you so you could go on to live to see your two grandsons born, my nephews, and your granddaughter grow into the wonderful human being she is today. She was just 3 and a half years old when you died. We talk about you all the time, keeping your memory alive. I want her to know that part of her identity. I know now that no matter what I did or tried to do, I could never achieve what I had hoped. 

… I had asked you so much more about your family and how you grew up. I don’t remember much about my grandparents, and I don’t have contact with your side of the family. I want to know all about you, as this is part of my identity too. 

… you could have walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. In the end, I chose to walk alone. I like to think you were there with me somehow, maybe looking down on me. 

… you could see how much I have achieved. Did you know I went to university and graduated? The first in our family. I wish you could have been the proud parent watching me as I wore my cap and gown and collected my certificate. That was a day I am so proud of, as I never thought that could be me. I’ve worked so hard to achieve a successful career, and I’m sad I cannot share that with you. 

… you were still here with us, and I could get to know you as an old man. Would you have been grey, or maybe would you have been bald? Would we have sat and had the conversations I always wanted to have with you, but put off for another time? I will never know. You were only 45 years old at the time. 

I’m sorry … 

… I couldn’t help you fight your demons and live a happy life. I always felt I was not enough. I now understand so much more about your illness, I just wish I understood it more then. 

… that the day you were lying in hospital dying, and you told me that you didn’t think you would make it through. You were so unwell, and I didn’t take this opportunity to talk to you about what was happening. I just tried to cheer you up. I will always wonder if you were trying to tell me that you needed to talk. You see, you would never talk about feelings, and in my young and naïve way, I was trying to protect you. 

… I didn’t tell you when the consultants said you were just too weak for a transplant. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for this. Again, I was trying to protect you and help you build the strength to be able to get well. I’m so, so sorry. 

Coming to terms with your death

I have struggled so much over the years to come to terms with your death at such a young age. I remember being thrown into meetings with doctors and consultants and, latterly, arranging a funeral, like it was all a bad dream. Could this really be happening?

I had no idea what I was doing. My lovely mum helped me to arrange the funeral, even though you were no longer married.

I could never have allowed your new wife to take on that role, as during your illness, I came to realise how truly frightened of her you were too. As you lay vulnerable, you worried she would really physically hurt you like she had done for so many years. And so I was the only person visiting you towards the end. 

I have many demons myself and struggle mentally and emotionally in many, many ways. But I would not change that you were my dad.

Loving you taught me to love unconditionally, to see the person behind the behaviour and to see value in them. I do not believe you set out to become addicted to alcohol. I believe you were inherently a good person, but you had so many struggles and maybe not the best role models when you were young. 

That does not excuse the bad times, but it helps me to connect with you and understand you as a whole person and not just focus on the bad memories. It helps me to find some peace in all of this. 

I love you

I am proud and thankful that I have grown to have the ability to empathise and forgive, to see people as human beings who need connection, acceptance and love, and most of all, I am able to love others, which I do fiercely every single day.

I could have become bitter and angry, to put walls up to protect myself, but I allow myself to be vulnerable, as to not do so would take away so many opportunities from me. 

I am glad that I allowed myself to be vulnerable in loving you, as I now know the finality of death, and I can never go back. If I hadn’t taken the opportunities I had to get to know you then, eventually that opportunity would have been taken from me. 

I want to tell you that I love you and I miss you so, so much. 

M x

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