I wish I knew then what I know now
My mum’s drinking started when I was in my early teens, although I think it was probably a problem before that I just hadn’t really noticed. I’m 38 now so it’s been pretty much all I know.
It started subtly but her depression that came with the drinking became more noticeable. I remember she would sit and stare at me just saying nothing. It used to wind me up so much that I would leave.
She refused to admit anything was wrong
My mum and dad’s arguing started getting worse. It was always over drinking or my mum trying to isolate herself away but refusing to admit there was anything wrong. She became very jealous of how close I was to dad.
However, we always had to keep the doors shut, dad was so ashamed of her illness. Looking back I wish I knew what I know now so dad and I could have had the support.
Mum tried to take her life when I was 15. I got the call from my dad and rushed home. Mum was unconscious. I helped carry her to the car and sat in the back just desperately trying to keep her awake whilst we got to hospital.
She was released after a couple of days and a stomach pump and had managed to convince them it was an accident and she had taken the wrong pills.
Was I the problem?
Mum has always been extremely convincing. She does go through spells of being dry or at least drinking controlled amounts. It has always made it more confusing as I just thought maybe as she has always said I’m dramatic. I’m the problem not her drinking.
When she is sober, she is kind, caring and a lovely mum who would give me the world. I think that’s why I have never been able to walk away.
I think I have struggled most since becoming a mum myself. I always hoped that maybe my girls would be enough of a reason for her to stop drinking. I’ve also mourned the mum I so craved to have.
The one who could have the kids if I needed her to without worry she would be drunk by the time I picked them up. I found mum passed out when my first born was 2. That is when me and dad drove her to rehab and had to stop any unsupervised visits.
Living with anticipatory grief
Watching your mum live a life controlled by alcohol come with so much anticipatory grief.
Sadly, my dad passed away this year. He was diagnosed with cancer last July and it has been the year from hell.
However, most of his time left was of course revolved around mum. He had a safeguarding notice due to how abusive she now gets when she drinks and she still denies all of it.
After his second chemo I found her unconscious in the drive and had to send her to hospital in an ambulance. All she cared about was that I didn’t get my girls to give her a birthday card, no apology given.
I am not responsible for her
I am currently trying to reduce contact with mum acting more as a nurse than a daughter. I have decided for now she isn’t to be involved in my children’s lives.
I have spent years and so much time trying to save mum, asking myself why I was never enough. It is only through finding Nacoa and learning about her disease I’m finally able to realise there is nothing I can do or could ever do that would have changed her path.
It truly saddens me to think of all the professionals I’ve encountered over the years and never been given the aid to help myself and my dad.
I hope by sharing a part of my story others can find support in knowing they are not alone, as I have listening to and reading all the stories shared.
Laura
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