My Journey to Sobriety
I come from a family of alcoholics, my Nan drank, my Nans sister died from alcohol, my Mum became an alcoholic so with all this, of course I was going to go that way too, so I used to tell myself! However, I can’t and won’t believe this because that means either one or both my children will be addicted to alcohol and I point blankly refuse to believe this. I can’t comment on my Nanny because I just remember her being the best and most cuddly Nan in the world, but my Mum I can.
Now I don’t ever remember drinking being part of my childhood, I rarely saw my Mum drink unless we were at a party or on holiday but rarely see her drunk. I never see her or my Dad drink indoors, like ever! So my drinking wasn’t learnt behaviour from a young age that’s for sure.
My Mums drinking started after my parents separated and my little brother and I stayed with my Dad because I wouldn’t go and live with my Mum.
Now I am older I realise how tough and devastating this must have been for my Mum. If I lost my children to their Father I can’t say I wouldn’t have turned to alcohol. My Mums drinking got worse when we moved to Cornwall, my brother was only 10. This is my daughters age, so now I imagine my daughter moving to Cornwall, 6 hours away and quite frankly I would become ill without my children, my life in my eyes wouldn’t be worth living. So after this my Mum became very ill and very poorly.
There were some horrific times I had to witness with my Mum, things that I will never forget, they are literally printed within my brain and my heart, something no child should see. Back then I was so angry with my Mum, I couldn’t understand why. Well now I understand more than ever, she was very poorly, mentally and physically. I used to find my Mum drunk most days and it was like looking at a different person. So many trips to A&E and so much verbal abuse and was hard to love or even like my Mum at that point. I didn’t understand the illness as I was only young myself. It felt like a black cloud over the house and I think living with an alcoholic is one of the hardest things. Back in those days there wasn’t the support you have now for children so I felt like I became my Mums carer a lot of the time. I had to comfort her and mother her and tell her it was going to be ok. After a while you start to resent that. It was very hard to see past the drink and understand it wasn’t my Mum who was being verbally awful, it was the drink. My Mum carried a lot of guilt for a long time but I will never let my Mum hold any guilt for that, ever! She simply doesn’t deserve it. She really did hit rock bottom and she dug herself back up and I will always be so unbelievably proud of her, she is the strongest women I know and I am so proud that she is my Mum.
You would think after seeing someone you love unconditionally turn into someone else in drink that I wouldn’t do the same! Does not work like that though, does it?
My Mum now and has been for many years a very happy and contented women who really has overcome many of her demons and my god I am so proud. I say to myself if my Mum can come back from all that then I certainly can. There is always someone to talk to too and always someone that can help in some way.
If you want to read more about my journey and how alcohol has affected me, please go to my blog. My sobriety journey will be hard, but I know the positives far outweigh the lows. I can’t bare the thought of young children feeling alone and feeling like they have no one because they do.
Hopefully we can all help spread the word and help get these parents the help they need and the poor children who have to live with it.
Stacey
Link to my blog
