My mum – Typical Glaswegian, feisty at the best of times and even worse when drunk
I never really knew my mum had an issue with alcohol till maybe 9 – 10 years old. It was hidden from us kids and we were protected by our dad for as long as he could.
My mum and dad split up when I was 10 as things just become too much for him. At the time I resented him but at the same time understood. Now being older and wiser I cannot blame him.
Living abroad
We grew up in the RAF and spent the last few years of the RAF living in Belgium. It was great for us kids but also easy for my mum to drink even more with alcohol being duty free.
We then moved to Exeter after they split and that’s when things really took a turn. It was now just me, my mum and my sister.
As the oldest sibling I guess I felt the pressure to protect my mum and help with looking after my sister.
We would pour away some of her Vodka when she had passed out and replace it with water. We knew she would be too drunk to notice!
Our normal
Where we grew up in Exeter it was not the nicest of areas. It seemed like drink and drugs were the normal.
Every other house would have random visitors and the amount of different men we would see coming and going from house to house didn’t faze us as kids. Like I said it was our normal.
To beg, borrow and steal was a given just to get by. Now I know that sounds awful to admit but it was either that or go hungry and cold.
My mum would never be without a bottle but we would go without food and electric and sometimes for days. Only using candles for light in the house, eating cereal with water or sometimes sugar sandwiches!!
My sister is a few years younger and went to a different school. Her school would have to phone my school.
Or when I was a bit older even had my mobile number to ask me to come and collect my sister because my mum hadn’t been.
We knew when we got home she would either be drunk or passed out and we were never wrong. If my mum was passed out, it was then us putting her to bed and finding whatever we could for dinner.
A whirlwind of emotions
Growing up just seemed like a whirlwind of emotions! A constant battle to survive some days. Not answering the door to bailiffs and hiding.
Wondering if my mum would be home that night. Knocking on the neighbour’s doors for any food they had spare. Not that I’m proud of it but going to the shops and stealing so me and my sister could eat.
I would wear school trousers for weeks without them being washed, taking them out of the wash basket on a Monday morning and smelling them to see if I could still wear them.
Cheap old trainers that were so worn that my big toe would be sticking through the end. I would wash dirty tops in the sink by hand and then iron them so much to dry them!
I found sticking wet socks in the microwave also dried them.
Things got worse and worse
Over the years my mums drinking got worse and worse. The local pub landlord was also my football coach.
There were plenty of times he would ring me to say there’s nothing to worry about but my mums in a bad way and she’s driving home.
Sometimes they couldn’t stop her and I would be waiting at my window praying she would get home okay.
For me growing up felt like shame, embarrassment and at times lying about what I had and where I lived. If I ever got lifts home from a friend’s parents then I’d tell them I lived 10 mins away.
When the car was out of sight I’d then walk home the rest of the way. I never invited friends over and if they ever asked then I would make up any excuse I could think of.
There were no limits
At around 14/15 my mum would allow me to drink and there were no limits. I now believe this was her way of some justification for her own actions and less judgement from me, as I was joining her.
From the age of 15 to 21 I did lose my way with alcohol and drugs. This just seemed the norm for us growing up and everyone was the same.
This massively played a part in leaving school with no qualifications. A dead-end job at 16 on minimum wage and no life prospects.
I even had a teacher tell me I will grow up to be a waste of space and be like everyone else around me.
Feeling responsible
When I was 17 I did pass my driving test. Little did I know that this then meant I was my mum’s taxi to and back from the pub.
Getting that call from the landlord to beg me to come get my mum as she was causing arguments and fights. I dreaded that drive but I also felt it was my responsibility somehow.
Every one of my mum’s partners over the years were also alcoholics and this just fuelled her addiction. The fights, the drama, and amounts of times the police were called was just too much!!
I used to dream and pray for more and a better life. We even convinced Social Services we were okay and being looked after more than once!
I left home at 19 knowing I just had to get out! I didn’t want to prove my old teacher right and I knew I would end up like the rest if I stayed.
Promises to stop
Over the years my mums drinking got so bad she was admitted to hospital a few times. Going in to see her laid up and begging her to stop drinking. She made the promises to stop every time, then within weeks she was back to her old ways.
She even went to the lengths to try and hide it by filling up Lucozade bottles with alcohol instead. Hiding the bottles when we went around her house and trying to convince us she had reduced her drinking.
The worst she got was being in hospital for weeks. The doctors even told her if she doesn’t stop she will die.
You’d think this was the wake-up call she needed, maybe not for just us but she now had grandkids that adored her! Nope. Back to the drinking again.
She would rather drink than eat
The next few years were a huge struggle and a strain with her health. She was even signed off work because of how ill she was.
This lack of anything to do during her days just made turning to drink from 8am when she woke till she eventually passed out on the sofa the normal.
She would often ask me to lend her money which I knew I’d never get back, I didn’t care about that. What did hurt was knowing it was for alcohol.
She would rather have the drink than any food!
Who I am today
Last year December 2024, a week or so before Xmas she was ill and we knew it was bad. She couldn’t even get out of bed. I told her I would pop around that weekend with my son to see her. I didn’t go.
Tuesday morning after that weekend I got that dreaded call!! The one I knew would come sooner rather than later.
She had passed away. She was admitted to hospital the day before and didn’t tell us, she didn’t want us to worry. She was only 58.
Now, as much as my childhood was rough at times and with the battle to survive at times, I now believe this made me who I am today.
I know what it feels like to have nothing! Living from day to day! I didn’t want that any more.
Making my mum proud
As much as my mum had her own issues, I had a choice to make in my early 20s. Carry on and end up the same as everyone else I grew up with or take control and do something with my life!
I always had this sense of wanting to make my mum proud. To show her I could do more and she was always the first person I told when I did anything that may make her proud of me.
It was almost like bragging that I am not turning out like her.
For me I used the frustration and anger inside to change and make something of my life. As silly as it may sound I couldn’t bear to scatter her ashes.
I have them in the scatter tube next to my laptop on my desk at home as a constant reminder to make her proud. To do better and work harder!
Learning the hard way
I no longer drink and if I do its maybe once or twice a year for a celebration. I hate the thought of being out of control and letting alcohol control me.
I learned the hard way that we always have choices! I was at the crossroads and you either take the right path or the wrong one. I did not want to follow in her shoes! I did not want to become my parent!
I will always remember my mum for the love and support she did give me! The bad memories just now seem to have been pushed aside.
She was by far not always perfect, but she was still my mum.
Matt
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