Our mum was perfect when alcohol was not in her system
Life as a child growing up with an alcoholic parent is one of the most heart-wrenching experiences.
Alcoholism is also so cruel to the individual that becomes addicted by stripping away the individual’s authenticity and disconnects everything and everyone that matters the most to them.
1 in 5 children grow up with an alcoholic parent. I happen to be that child with my sister, who is also a victim of this cruel disease.
My beautiful mum
I remember feeling so proud of my beautiful mum, who was so kind-hearted. She had the most piercing blue eyes and beautiful smile. She was a nurse and was so caring.
This is why alcohol is so cruel as our mum was perfect when alcohol was not in her system.
We did have some good memories with Mum. She always tried her best, however with alcohol being involved there was usually some sort of chaos.
I started to realise that things weren’t ‘normal’ around 7 years old when Dad worked shifts as a police officer. Our weekends would be spent with Mum in pubs from midday till late.
Realising that things weren’t ‘normal’
We would sit there watching Mum get more and more intoxicated. Mum would get angry on occasions and demand we get in the car and then drive home over the limit terrifying both me and my sister.
We learned from a young age that Mum had an awful childhood growing up as an Irish catholic. Her father was a heavy drinker and would beat the children. Her mother and younger brother both died from suicide.
My mum’s childhood tormented her. The alcohol exacerbated the trauma, which is why I always feel such sadness that my mum could have broken that trauma cycle had she not become addicted to alcohol.
Tormented by her childhood
Objectively life seemed perfect, however, Mum’s drinking became worse. The relationship between my parents became strained and the domestic arguments even more intense.
My dad made the decision to leave the family home. Mum was heartbroken and the divorce was toxic. Mum’s drinking became much worse once Dad had left and she would drink until she became unconscious to numb her pain.
I became very protective and anxious for my mum. At 10 years old, I would not leave to go to school until Mum phoned me to confirm she had arrived safely at work.
I had this overarching fear that something bad might happen to Mum and always wanted to protect her.
Overarching fear
I always worried she would get poorly from alcohol. However, she would return from working as a nurse saying her colleagues had checked her liver function and she was ‘fine’.
The more she drank, the more the beautiful mum disappeared and let a monster into our home.
I remember hiding alcohol in drawers in the hope she would not find them, but Mum’s drinking continued and her treatment towards my sister and I got worse.
The saddest part is that when Mum was sober, she cleaned our uniform, cooked lovely meals and was so kind. It was hard not to love our beautiful mum and because she was still functioning as a medical professional no one identified she had an addiction.
Terrible choices with relationships
Mum made terrible choices with relationships and was always looking for a ‘protector’. Unfortunately, not many of Mum’s relationships lasted due to the drink and my sister and I witnessed argument after argument.
Mum continued to drink and take her emotions out on me and my sister, until my sister couldn’t take anymore and left to live with Dad in the police hostels. My sister begged me to go with her, but I felt I couldn’t leave Mum.
One of Mum’s partners was a heavy drinker and he got angry at me physically when I was 13 years old. I can remember screaming, asking my mum for help as she just stood there in a dazed drunken state. It was this turning point where I had no choice but to leave Mum and stay with Dad at the hostels too.
My teenage years
My teenage years were bleak. There was not much awareness of mental health for children growing up and I had no support or anyone to talk to.
I was ashamed to tell anyone my mum was an alcoholic.
I longed for my beautiful mum and the life we had prior to alcohol taking Mum away from us all. I longed for my beautiful mum to support me emotionally and physically, but alcohol made that impossible.
Trying to get Mum to stop drinking
In my 20s, I would provide leaflets and information about alcoholism to Mum. She would ridicule me and have huge outbursts/arguments with me or my sister.
Eventually, alcoholism caught up with her at work and her career came crashing down. We did all we could to get Mum on a straight path and stop drinking but she just wouldn’t/couldn’t.
I had my first child aged 26. My mum got to love her granddaughter for a year until in 2014 I had to make the most heart-breaking decision to become estranged from my mum due to the alcohol that caused so much mental anguish.
I grieved the loss of my mum to alcohol, and it hurt so much every day.
Becoming estranged
I married my husband without a beautiful mum there, I went on to have two further babies without a beautiful mum; everything I did now was without a mum.
It was so painful to think she was alive but couldn’t be a part of my life due to alcohol. Although, it was the first time alcohol wasn’t causing me any more pain or trauma.
I was able to be a healthy mum for my children and was determined to raise them without alcohol being an issue in their lives.
My sister also became estranged from my mum due to the toxic relationship alcohol was causing and the ripple effect it had on her own mental health.
We learned that Mum had remarried, and we hoped she was happy. However, we learned that she continued an unhealthy lifestyle with her new husband and alcohol was still a major issue.
Seeing her unwell
10 years later, on Friday 1st March 2024, I received a call from my sister who informed me our estranged mum was in hospital.
I felt strong and reassured my sister I would go with her to the hospital. I bravely walked up to the ward envisioning my mum sitting there how she used to look and ready to talk to her and let her know we were there for her.
However, the horror of what I saw lying in the hospital bed hit me like a truck.
My beautiful mum was a shell of a human, her tiny and frail little body unable to move. I couldn’t breathe.
How could she have got this bad? Should I have been there for her? Was this my fault? Should I have done more?
The pain of seeing her so unwell was (and still is) immeasurable. My biggest fear as a child of mum getting poorly from alcohol had arrived in the cruellest form. The consultant confirmed mum had terminal liver failure and was on end-of-life care.
I composed myself and went back into the side room to reunite with my poorly mum. She was lying in the bed paralysed with convulsions on the right side of her body.
All the horrible memories of the past had gone
Her beautiful blue eyes looked at me and my sister and we reassured her we loved her. I have never seen such sadness/happiness in anyone’s eyes and my heart still breaks just thinking about that moment.
She couldn’t talk or open her mouth and my sister who had medical knowledge recognised Mum needed mouth care. We took on our duty with no discussion and started to help her, we gave her mouth care, and she took water from the sponge. She was so thirsty, and we continued this until she fell asleep.
We told her we loved her; we cuddled and kissed her hands; we reassured her she was the best mum and we loved her so much.
All the horrible memories of the past had gone, and our focus was to get Mum better.
We wanted to be with her again; to love her. We wanted her to see her 7 grandchildren and to be a part of their lives. However, deep down we knew she may not survive.
Hours by her bedside
We revisited the next day and bought in pictures, flowers, blankets, teddies, anything we could do to make her better.
We positioned her upright in the bed and we gave her mouth care. We asked her what she was thinking, and she murmured ‘how lucky she was’.
Over the next few days, Mum appeared to improve. We were left with the false sense that she may get better, and she was taken off end-of-life care. However, the consultants were torn with the moral decision on how to treat Mum because her condition was critical.
My sister and I visited everyday, spending hours by her bedside reminding her of good memories and how much we adored her and hoped she would meet the grandchildren. She wanted more than anything to get better too.
Unfortunately, on April 8th our beautiful blue-eyed mum took her last breath and left this world.
A socially accepted pleasure that can cause so much destruction and heartache
I can’t help but feel empty, angry, sad and tormented that such a socially accepted pleasure can cause so much destruction and heartache.
If only the advertisements showed the real dangers, trauma and mental anguish alcohol causes, perhaps it wouldn’t be so socially accepted?
I lost my beautiful mum to alcohol and to this day I wish she could have sourced the help she needed, and she would still be here today.
I also recognise that Nacoa is such a needed charity for children, to ensure there is support, as the impact on my own health as a result of growing up with an alcoholic parent has been and still is an enormous mental struggle.
Now all I have to hold onto are the memories of a beautiful mum who I know had the kindest heart. A mum who could have always been this way if alcohol hadn’t destroyed her soul.
Anon
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