The shame and secrecy of having an alcoholic mother

She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

The shame and secrecy of having an alcoholic mother

The shame and secrecy of having an alcoholic mother

She was an alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word as I was growing up.

My acting skills were so on point that I almost had myself convinced everything was fine and that these were just normal family dynamics: a mother, her two children, a bottle of Vermouth and an elephant in the room.

Many mothers enjoy a drink, do they not? Mine just took preference in drinking in secret, bottles hidden from view in the tumble dryer and beside a bottle of mouthwash in the cupboard under the kitchen sink.

My teachers had no idea

I can recall a piece of homework set in my first year of secondary school that required us students to describe our parents, and the confusion that followed as I questioned how best to tackle the work at hand.

My biological father had seemingly vanished into thin air. Though aware of her passing just five months prior, my teachers had no idea of the circumstances surrounding my mother’s death. 

“Hi, class. My name’s Belle. I am eleven years old. My mum died from alcoholism just before I left primary school. Her drink of choice was Vermouth. The one in the green glass bottle. It is lovely to meet you all”.

Imagine the looks that I would have got if I had dropped this into conversation during one of many classroom icebreakers that I tried my best to avoid.

Instead, much to my brother’s dismay, I took the chance to share my secret, as if I was unburdening myself almost.

I cannot truly ascertain why it was that I needed this teacher to know. It may well have been the religious subject that she taught, believing that she would not judge my mother for the demons that she carried.

Or it may have been more because I was tired of protecting a mother who, in my young and very naïve mind, had done nothing to protect me. An internal battle ensued.

I lied for my mother

As a child, I lied for my mother. As an adult, I am inclined to be the protector that I yearned for in her later years, both for myself and for her.

Much like that one school project, I am often torn between the shame of oversharing and staying quiet about Mum’s addiction when asked to describe her to them. 

Overshadowed by addiction

My young age meant that, with our time together limited, I did not know her as a person. The final years of our relationship were overshadowed by her addiction.

I could not tell you her favourite film or song choice. But I could tell you the measurements of alcohol that she preferred and describe her exact movements as she navigated our local shop for her next bottle. Her body hunched and shaking as the disease permeated through her fragile being. 

In this moment I was embarrassed by her, and it is only now that I can admit that. She was not her addiction, her trauma, no. But both were major contributory factors to the person, the mother, that she became, and the trauma that I now carry because of it.

Belle

For more experiences, find Support and Advice.

Belle’s memoir Mother’s Ruin: A Mother’s Addiction and Her Daughter’s Survival Kindle Edition is available here.

Categories:

The shame and secrecy of having an alcoholic mother

She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

The shame and secrecy of having an alcoholic mother

She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • About Nacoa

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • About Nacoa

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Hello!

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Nacoa branding - style guide

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Contact us Person looking at Nacoa's website for people affected by a parent's drinking to show different ways to contact for support or to get involved with the charity to help other children of alcoholics

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Governance

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • History

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Nacoa Helpline

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Calling the helpline

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Helpline FAQs

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Managing browser history

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Monitoring & evaluation

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Policies & procedures

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Our people

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Abie Dunlop

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Amanda Brett

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Amy Dickson

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Carolyn Jones

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Cassandra Ohlson Cassandra Ohlson presenting at Nacoa's Stafford Ward Memorial Lecture 2019

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Ceri Walker

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Dr Piers Henriques

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Euan Graham Euan Graham

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Hilary Henriques MBE

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Jamie Brett

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Jane Elson

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Josh Connolly

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Katy Stafford

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Laurence McAllister Alleyne

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Liam Tullberg Liam Tullberg Nacoa

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Lindsay Sykes

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Maya Parker MA

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Peter Irwin

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Tod Harrison

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Patrons & ambassadors

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • The Nacoa Promise

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Experiences Search Result

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Get involved

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Donate or become a member

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • About Gift Aid

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Become a corporate member

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Become a member

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Welcome new member

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Donate in memory

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Gift in your will

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Give in celebration

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Make a donation

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Thank you!

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • More ways to give

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Fundraising

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Thank you for signing up to Big Nacoa Walk 2024! Big Nacoa Walk thumbnail

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Raise awareness

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Sponsored events

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Volunteering

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Nacoa Volunteer Application Form

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Nacoa: School Nomination Form

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Message boards

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Log In

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Message board rules of conduct

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Start a new topic

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Nacoa: Helping everyone affected by their parent's drinking Nacoa UK Helping everyone affected by their parent's drinking

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • News & events

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Events

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Features

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Latest

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • News

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Privacy and cookies policy

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Research & resources

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Books, videos and media

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Nacoa professionals training

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Nacoa publications

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Research

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Widening Access

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Some Punjabi and Sikh parents drink too much…

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Support & advice

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Adults

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Books, videos and media

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • FAQs

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Help and advice

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Information

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Personal experiences

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Children

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Books, videos and media

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • FAQs

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Help and advice

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Information

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Personal experiences

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Concerned others & professionals

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Books, videos and media

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • FAQs

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Help and advice

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Information

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Personal experiences

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Young people

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Books, videos and media

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • FAQs

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Help and advice

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Information

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Personal experiences

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

  • Topics

    She was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word.

The shame and secrecy of having an alcoholic mother

The shame and secrecy of having an alcoholic mother

She was an alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic. So much shame and secrecy surrounded that word as I was growing up.

My acting skills were so on point that I almost had myself convinced everything was fine and that these were just normal family dynamics: a mother, her two children, a bottle of Vermouth and an elephant in the room.

Many mothers enjoy a drink, do they not? Mine just took preference in drinking in secret, bottles hidden from view in the tumble dryer and beside a bottle of mouthwash in the cupboard under the kitchen sink.

My teachers had no idea

I can recall a piece of homework set in my first year of secondary school that required us students to describe our parents, and the confusion that followed as I questioned how best to tackle the work at hand.

My biological father had seemingly vanished into thin air. Though aware of her passing just five months prior, my teachers had no idea of the circumstances surrounding my mother’s death. 

“Hi, class. My name’s Belle. I am eleven years old. My mum died from alcoholism just before I left primary school. Her drink of choice was Vermouth. The one in the green glass bottle. It is lovely to meet you all”.

Imagine the looks that I would have got if I had dropped this into conversation during one of many classroom icebreakers that I tried my best to avoid.

Instead, much to my brother’s dismay, I took the chance to share my secret, as if I was unburdening myself almost.

I cannot truly ascertain why it was that I needed this teacher to know. It may well have been the religious subject that she taught, believing that she would not judge my mother for the demons that she carried.

Or it may have been more because I was tired of protecting a mother who, in my young and very naïve mind, had done nothing to protect me. An internal battle ensued.

I lied for my mother

As a child, I lied for my mother. As an adult, I am inclined to be the protector that I yearned for in her later years, both for myself and for her.

Much like that one school project, I am often torn between the shame of oversharing and staying quiet about Mum’s addiction when asked to describe her to them. 

Overshadowed by addiction

My young age meant that, with our time together limited, I did not know her as a person. The final years of our relationship were overshadowed by her addiction.

I could not tell you her favourite film or song choice. But I could tell you the measurements of alcohol that she preferred and describe her exact movements as she navigated our local shop for her next bottle. Her body hunched and shaking as the disease permeated through her fragile being. 

In this moment I was embarrassed by her, and it is only now that I can admit that. She was not her addiction, her trauma, no. But both were major contributory factors to the person, the mother, that she became, and the trauma that I now carry because of it.

Belle

For more experiences, find Support and Advice.

Belle’s memoir Mother’s Ruin: A Mother’s Addiction and Her Daughter’s Survival Kindle Edition is available here.

You are not alone

Remember the Six "C"s

I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices

Resources you may like

Keep in touch

To find out more about our events and activities, subscribe to our mailing list

We use Mailchimp as our marketing platform. By subscribing, you acknowledge that your information will be transferred to Mailchimp for processing. Learn more about Mailchimp’s privacy practices.