This one’s for you Mum
I know she’ll never be able to read this, but I guess I just needed to write it down somewhere.
Thank you for the lessons that your life taught me. Thank you for teaching me way more about the importance of taking ownership over your own life. And thank you for making me understand first-hand just how hard life can get.
For those reading this who do not know my mum, she was an addict.
When I say she was an addict, she wasn’t your stereotypical homeless addict you envision sat outside your local shops asking for change.
For well over a decade she was a fully functioning addict, who still took her 3 kids to school, going to work and managing to hide it completely from her whole family each and every day.
Spiralling addiction
I still don’t understand the full extent of what event in her life caused her addiction to spiral. But she carried an addictive personality too which didn’t help.
Some of my earliest memories of my mum are the happiest memories. She was always so happy, always smiling, always dancing. She was so joyful with a complete lust for life. She idolised me and my siblings and was the best mum ever.
I was only young when she first spiralled. I can’t pinpoint exactly what changed, but I just knew they were different.
My earliest memory was my mum’s first attempt on her life. I remember finding her all sluggish and dribbling. I called for help. She’d left a note to say she couldn’t do it anymore. I hid it from the paramedics, in fear of being taken away.
It was then a few years of seeing things I wouldn’t wish for any child to see, abusive boyfriends, finding drug paraphernalia and lots more bottles of alcohol. This went on until my mum eventually got evicted. I then moved in with my Dad and proceeded to have contact with my mum for the next few years.
Fast forward to the first time we thought we lost her back in 2011, when she ended up in ITU on end-of-life care. The doctors still till this day were unsure how she survived, but my mother, like the true warrior she was, managed to find a way out the other end. They told her she was lucky to be alive and that if she drank for 3 consecutive weeks she’d die.
Recovery – my favourite era
This inspired her recovery, and what I will say was by far my favourite era of my mum’s life. She was so passionate, driven and happy to have had a second chance at life.
She was doing courses to gain qualifications, she doted her life working in recovery houses as a poster girl for what recovery can look like, and she was absolutely smashing it.
I was young when my mum first started drinking so now she’s gone, this period of 7 years is where the core part of my happy memories come from. It was at this point where she was proud of her addiction and how she’d come out the other side. She was proud to showcase that recovery is possible if you want it bad enough.
Relapse
Just like all good things, sadly it didn’t last forever and in 2018 my mother’s relapse became impossible to hide. When in active addiction, she was a brilliant liar but she had quite the vicious tongue. This was 3 long years of pain, from various abusive messages, calls from the police, calls and trips to A&E and many welfare checks.
I remember checking in once and finding she was drinking Tequila Rose and Vodka all in the same cup. I guess that was the moment it struck me that addiction isn’t a choice.
By that point, she wasn’t drinking because she enjoyed the taste, she was drinking because she didn’t know how to cope without it. She was more dependent on drink and drugs than humans are water and food.
Sadly, my mum had an alcohol-induced epileptic fit which resulted in her cracking a rib. She spent days and weeks in the ITU at the hospital until myself and my siblings made the decision to save her from her pain and turn her life support machine off.
My mother finally got the peace she’d always been searching for since she kicked the bottle back in February 2021, with her 3 children by her side.
So this one’s for you Mum, thank you.
Thank you for the lessons that your life taught me. Thank you for making choices that I now don’t have to make. For giving me courage to use the same passion and fire I got from you to achieve some pretty cool things. Things people didn’t think I could do!
Thank you for teaching me that addiction affects everyone, but that recovery is always possible. You are the reason I studied my own addictive personality and the reason I am able to channel it in a much healthier way, building my own recovery and ensuring that I do my bit to break the cycle.
Proving that recovery is possible if you want it enough, and by channelling it early on, it works as a method of prevention, just as much as a saviour 🫶🏽
Thank you, Mum, I hope whenever you’ve ended up treats you much better than this earth ever did 🌼🌻
