You are a stranger now

You put me through hell, 
You were my nightmares, my breakdowns, all my tears 
You made me weak, you made me feel unloved, 
I remember my screams and tears as you called me up drunk, 
The times you would let me down, when you just ‘didn’t turn up’ 
From the police attendance, your absence and the thick smell of alcohol 
I feared you, I feared for my safety, I feared for my family. 
I gave you chance after chance, 
that one more chance soon turned into your 1000th chance
After 16 years of pure hell, tears, lies, fear and disappointment, I gave up on you 
No one could help you except yourself. 
I had to put me first, I had to start building a positive life for myself 
I got counselling, I built a stronger mental state, I believed in myself
I made aspirations and 4 years later these are all starting to come true
But now you are back… but its not you… its sober you. 
I only ever met sober you once or twice, 
you are now a stranger, I don’t know you
And you certainly don’t know me,
Now you’re expecting me to just be okay, 
you want to know me now, you want to be good now…
I’m expected to let you in and be comfortable with that 
But I don’t know you
You are a stranger,
I’ve built a life without you and I don’t know if I should let you in again 
You’re a stranger. 
I’ve seen you three times now, each several months apart, 
Sure sometimes its nice, but you aren’t my mum, my mum is an alcoholic 
Even after years of not seeing you, I still have first instincts to smell your hair and neck for the scent of alcohol
I listen for the change of tone in your voice, 
I’m expecting the vodka to take over any second 
Waiting for your face to relax and your pupils to change 
I’m not fearing it anymore, I’m expecting it.
I don’t know you, you are a stranger. 

Beth

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