A visit from a Merry Christmas past

I wanted to share how the term ‘Merry Christmas’ can feel, as the kid of an alcoholic. It’s sometimes a tough time of year, being around alcohol and so much acceptable drinking and drunkenness. For my sister and I, growing up where our parents had a really unhealthy relationship with alcohol, we (both in our 30’s) have always had difficulties being around drunk people.

It doesn’t matter if you can handle your drink; if you’re a friend or a stranger, male or female – we struggle being in the presence of it. When you never knew how a drink-fuelled evening would end; in over-the-top, loving kisses and cuddles, or blazing rows, shouting and chaos, there’s always that uncertainty. It has affected both of us, our whole lives.

Sending love to all those children and people out there who feel the same. And to those people, we say ‘Happy Christmas’, not ‘merry’. Because to be ‘happy’ is to be safe.

A visit from a Merry Christmas past

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
All were on eggshells, the kids and the spouse
The bottles and cans, piling up without care
A nervousness, tenseness, filling the air

The children were hoping to sneak off to bed 
But 'No, it’s too early! You’ll stay up, instead' 
'Children should always do as they’re told' 
So, we sit, and we stay, we do nothing bold 

Just as we feared, there’s a sudden clatter
Mum and dad disagree and something’s the matter
There’s shouting and swearing, cigarette ash
The table’s tipped over, flipped up in a flash

My sister is there, she’s trying to mend
But it’s not the right thing, dad’s arm it did bend
Into a slap, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment, this memory will stick

A 'Merry' Christmas, as the saying goes
So much in a word, but nobody knows 
The nervousness when 'merry' descends 
Where chaos presides and 'merriness' ends

There’s a fine line between 'merry' and 'drunk' 
Where jolliness sinks – one too many been sunk 
Glasses are raised, voices are too
Who’ll be in the firing line? Me or you? 

More rapid than eagles, the memories, they came
Over the years, we call them by name: 
Oh, embarrassment! Oh, guilt! Oh, shame and disgrace!
The, trauma! The fear you can see on my face! 

Throughout our lives, this burden we carry
Into our life, onto those that we marry
From 'merriness' to 'panic' we can easily fall
And we run away! run away! run away all!

We spring right back, into those scared little girls
All the fears, the anxiety, it all uncurls 
I can hear them exclaim, on this cold Christmas night 
'Have just one more, it’ll all be alright.'

Casey

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