Broken promises and heartache

Growing up as a child of an alcoholic is an experience that shaped my life. I know too well the living with the unpredictable fear, broken promises and heartache. 

My father died in September 2024. His death was alcohol-related. I felt relieved but awful at the same time and could not understand why I didn’t cry. I was relieved that I didn’t have to worry about seeing him in the street. I didn’t have to have that panic feeling when an unknown number rang me.

You see I lost my father years before he passed away. My earliest memories are of him taking me to the pub. I would ask ‘When are we going home?’ and his reply would always be ‘Just one more’.

The trauma of living with an alcoholic

Alcohol turned my father into a person I did not recognise or like. He was aggressive and angry most of the time and the memories of his violent outbursts I will never forget.

I remember he would tell me he was going to the shop and I’ll be home alone for hours. Then I’d hear the door go, wondering what state he is going to be in.

I knew it was bad when I’d hear him shouting and smashing things. I’d hold my hands over my ears, praying for him to stop and that it would not be the night he comes and hurts me again. I became very good at reading people’s moods and hiding my own feelings. 

I always knew alcohol would kill my father. The smell of raw alcohol to this day makes me feel sick. Sometimes it will make me go into flight or fight mode, thinking I’m in danger. I have to remind myself that I am safe.

You see Dad, all you put me through still has an impact on me to this day. The one word I can describe about it all is ‘trauma’. But I did not let you win, I knew I had to be strong for the little me. You took my innocence away but you didn’t break me. 

I hope you are at peace up there because down here you must have had a lot of pain and anger to do what you did to the ones you said you loved, but thank you for teaching me how to be strong. 

It is not your fault

For any kid who is out there doing, like I was, all you can to hide your parent or carer’s drinking because you are scared and ashamed, please, please reach out.

It is not your shame or your fault. 

Please hold on… It gets better and you can make a future for yourself which is safe and full of love.

Sarah 

To read more experience stories, go to Support & Advice.