Don’t blame yourself for your parent’s behaviour

My childhood was idyllic despite having a father who had some disabilities due to being a haemophiliac. He was an inspiration to me. No matter what pain he was in he would always get up to fight through it.

He was a loving, caring and supportive father to both my brother and I. My brother had learning difficulties but my father loved us both equally.

My mother was for the most part during our early years a good mother, who cared for and loved us both. She had her issues with depression which was diagnosed as clinical. She was a recluse and rarely left the house.

My dad did his absolute best as a loving husband to support her during her bad and good days. We were always fed, clothed, bathed and well looked after.

Her drinking became more prevalent

During my formative years as a teenager, I noticed things had changed with my mother. Not for the better.

Her depression got substantially worse. We were never allowed our friends round or to have birthday parties.

I noticed her topping her hot drinks with a tot of whiskey. This didn’t particularly concern me at the time.

But as time went by her drinking became more prevalent during the day, it wasn’t just a tot in her hot drinks. It was a tot in a glass.

Her behaviour didn’t deteriorate at this point. Whiskey made her laugh and didn’t seem to be toxic to her with respect to personality change.

But on this one occasion, she put me in the kitchen, dragged me by my hair and put a knife to my throat for moaning we had nowhere to sit on the veranda. I was petrified of saying another word.

The embarassment

As we got older, and I was in my last year of secondary school, things hadn’t got any better.

I remember vividly that she came to my presentation evening. I was excited that my mum wanted to make an effort to see her daughter receive an award. But I now wished she didn’t as she turned up clearly drunk and embarrassed me in front of my teachers and friends.

By this time, she wasn’t on the whiskey as much, she was drinking vodka.

As I started college and got myself a weekend job, I thought things would be better for me. I was gaining independence and I had a source of income.

But the vodka had truly taken over her life. This put the fear of God in me and my family.

Disturbing behaviour

Her behaviour got so disturbing and distressing. We walked on eggshells every single second, minute, and hour of every single day.

She was no longer a person I recognized as my mother. She would abuse us physically and emotionally.

My brother once put his figures in the toilet thinking they would swim. When mom found them, she sat him on the stairs and hit his head on the wall in punishment.

She would repeatedly make us pack our belongings, telling us social services were coming for us.

She would also pick on my dad’s haemophilia. She would abuse him to try and make him bleed internally to torture him. She once tried to set fire to the bedroom as she knew he couldn’t run.

Things got worse and worse.

I hated myself

Her drinking was the first thing she did. My dad used to get her a 35cl to put in the glove box so she wouldn’t have withdrawal symptoms. But she would get his car keys and drink it through the night.

There were many acts of violence and mental abuse.

By this point, I was self-harming as I had no self-worth. She would say you are that fat and ugly you’ll never find love.

I hated myself and believed every word she said.

Things escalated with her. She tried to run my brother over as she took the keys and took off in the car. I reported her to the police, and needless to say, she had her license revoked.

The darkest night

We then had the darkest night. She was paralytic, like every other day. I came home from work as by then I had a full-time job. I dreaded 5pm, coming I used to feel sick knots in my stomach.

So, I arrived home to her just in underwear and a T-shirt. Parading a kitchen knife around the house. I tried to get her out of the house as we were all frightened. I took my chance and I pushed her and punched her as I was so angry. I locked her out of the house.

She threw the knife next door, climbed over the fence, got into the shed, and smashed the house to bits with a spade. She threatened to kill us with shards of glass. The neighbours called the police as they had had enough. She was arrested and was never allowed back.

We packed her belongings and were disturbed by what we found. She had been prostituting herself to local taxi firms for vodka. My dad was utterly devastated by this.

On September 19th, 2004, she ended her life but was left in a coma until her passing on June 11th, 2005. I was relieved. I know that sounds awful. There was no love for her anymore in my heart. I knew we couldn’t be hurt anymore. We felt safe for the first time.

You cannot blame yourself

One thing I will say is that you cannot blame yourself. It’s an illness that is chronic and toxic in nature.

There was no help for children back then. This is why this charity is vitally important to all.

Sarah Golding

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