Me and my mum would constantly argue, about anything and everything until one day she kicked me out. At the age of 16 I was told to pack my bags and never come back, so I lived with my best friend.
After days of verbally abusive messages from her, I never replied and kept everything, I decided to confide in my dad, who lived away, about the arguments and what was happening with my mum. He offered for me to live with him, but what he didn’t get was that I didn’t want to move hours away, I wanted my mum to stop drinking so we could be happy and get on.
Days later, I had my brother who was in University ringing me having a go at me for all the nasty things I had said to my mum, what he didn’t realise was that it was all lies. I never said what my mum had told him, I showed him the proof of my mum calling me all the names possible, saying I was a vile child, I should go and live with my dad etc.
The day after, I was at another friend’s house and my Uncle rings me telling me to go home, ’no’ I told him, ‘I won’t go home until she apologises to me’. That’s when he turns around to tell me she’s ‘done something stupid’.
After rushing home, I find my mum lying on the sofa barely conscious, her close friends all on the phone, I’m so confused thinking what has just happened?! They tell me she has overdosed and to pack things and go to my friend’s house again. I’m stood there, in shock and horror of seeing my mum not herself. I didn’t know what to do or say. After ringing my brother crying down the phone trying to tell him what happened, I had to ring my dad and I felt weak and vulnerable. As far as I was concerned, it was my fault she did this.
I decide to go back to my best friend’s house and all I do is cry, for hours and hours, so scared that my mum might die. ‘It’s not your fault’, people kept telling me, yet it never has sunk in. I still think that this overdose was my fault. A few days later when I hear my mum is now home and safe, my dad travels down to see me and takes me for some lunch. He mentions that I should speak to my mum, as long as I’m ready and Ok with it considering I’m the one living with her. After time thinking and encouragement from my dad, I decide to.
I go to the house, my dad waits outside with my Aunty and Uncle, and I walk into the kitchen to see my mum, pale and bruised up, looking more vulnerable than ever. I give her the biggest hug ever and then I start talking, so scared she won’t like what I have to say. I tell her I need time away, that I’m so scared and so upset because of what she did whilst telling myself not to cry, not to crack. She denies all of this, it’s not my fault and yes I can have the time away.
A week later I move back in, our relationship is what I’ve always wanted, no tablets and no alcohol. It’s amazing. Months pass, and she starts having the occasional drink when she goes out, or when she gets home from work and suddenly all my feelings are back – ‘will she do this again’? It took me months to get over it and I still am not. To this day, a year later, I still think of it as my fault and well up inside every time she drinks. Our arguing is still occurring and I don’t think it will ever stop.
After months of feeling the same, I asked my step-mum and dad if they could get me a counsellor, someone to talk to without judging me on what my life has been about – putting her to bed, cooking tea, dealing with her when she is drunk. I have been seeing a counsellor for a couple of months and every time I think I’m getting better, we suddenly argue or she drinks and I’m back to square one.
I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with the incident that happened, but I hope that I can one day move past it.
