I had a crazy upbringing due to alcohol, a disabled brother needing lots more care and attention, a controlling horrid mother with both parents drunk which turned violent.
I grew up in a mad house as an only daughter. All 3 of my brothers abused me either sexually or physically. My dad used me in his own way (though nowhere near as severe as the rest of the family).
My mum was an absolute bitch to me. For years I have thought she hated me. She blamed me for her alcoholism. She put me down constantly.
She would not tell my uncle off for forcing himself on me (I did push him off). I’m ok with her now (not sure if the right thing after all this mistreatment) as I have yearned for her love for years (don’t think it was the right decision).
I’m suffering severe depression now and frequently think about taking my own life, have had counselling; maybe not enough of it.
Growing up in a severely dysfunctional environment has made it so hard to fit in with other people as my reactions are so different to others and I feel very self-conscious about it.
I have succeeded in getting a job at a top company and have fought so hard for it, yet I don’t fit in and sometimes wonder if I deserve it (my self-esteem is really low).
I feel negative about lots of things and have isolated myself from lots of people. I know I should not be but it’s so hard just now.
I feel so different to other people and compare myself to my work colleagues who had a normal upbringing. I feel gross that my brothers have abused me in that way. I feel bad thinking that every one of my family members abused me and I’m ok with all of them playing happy families as it’s the easier option (I think).
The effect of my childhood has caused me to not trust people (although I trust 2 good friends now); to abuse drugs, alcohol, food, exercise – possess an addictive personality – have no genuine self esteem, to pursue unsuitable relationships with men (hardly surprising after all 4 of the men in my immediate family abused me).
I’m still trying to work out what a normal healthy relationship is like. I find it hard to relate to women because I always blamed myself for all the hurt my mum caused me thinking everything was my fault and that I was incapable of having a decent female relationship (now know its untrue and I’m an ok female friend).
On the positive side I have a good job and have done well in my career. I have quit smoking after 16 years, quit taking drugs, and paid for counselling and a light box to get me through this winter. I’m very motivated in my life and have done lots; plenty more I want to do as well. I feel I could achieve so much more if I could just rid myself of this badness. I don’t feel I deserve a good life at times; I need to get out of this isolation I’m in.
Thanks for listening