I am still here fighting (Part 2): Letter to dad
There isn’t a day I don’t miss you mate. Each year that passes does get easier but also brings out memories that I haven’t thought about in years. This makes me feel isolated and wondering what if about everything we could have had. My mind goes round and round in circles about it. The issues from the past always appear but I only remember the bad times never the good. This is because there weren’t that many of the good times to speak about. I seem to forget them and never get over the mental and physical abuse we have all suffered at the hands of someone I love the most.
I know when you weren’t drinking you was the most kind, light-hearted man that would do anything for anyone (a trait that both you and mum have given me). However that side of you that turned to drink was too strong. This is when you became a nasty, evil and vindictive man that dished out so much abuse. It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, the Hyde part always overwhelmed you and took control of your vulnerability. This leads me to the questions I have had in my mind for the last 16 years:
- What lead you to drink so much?
- When did it start for you?
- How did it make you feel when you drank?
- Did you love the girls and I?
- Why did you turn to violence and mentally abuse mum so bad?
- Why did you do it?
- Lastly why did you leave me?
I was only 17 when you died and I had to take on so much responsibility looking after the girls and mum, I kept a brave face about it in front of them as I had to be strong for them. When you died half of me went with you that day. I carried on going as I didn’t know what to do and this has carried on to this day when I experience hardship.
I cried myself to sleep every night for over 11 years
What the girls didn’t know is that I cried myself to sleep every night for over 11 years. I always felt like I could have helped you more and why couldn’t I stop you drinking. All of this plus the day I saw you laying there dead has scarred me, I have had nightmares about that day since. The ward is in black and white and you are the only thing that is coloured, I would then wake up in a cold sweat and cry again.
The suffering I have had over this long 16 years has been a living nightmare, I struggle everyday with my mind and feelings to which most days I feel like I am not good enough for anyone, the fear of failure is overwhelming because I always feel like I have failed you with your struggles. In 2017 I was diagnosed with Depression after having a mental breakdown at work. My Depression is my demon which I have to conquer myself, this demon stretches back all the way to when I was a child and witnessing you abuse mum and myself.
This letter is not a dig at you, it is to tell you how I am feeling and have felt all these years. The battles I face on a daily basis and the questions that was never answered. My unconditional love I have for you is still so strong after all these years but my hatred for you and the way you treated us eats away at me, for that I cannot forgive you yet. I need to understand how I am to forgive you and beat my demon. I don’t know how long this will take but please know I miss you so much every day and I will always love you with all my heart.
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