The Family Secret

If you lie enough you convince yourself that the lie is true, the lie becomes your new ...

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If you lie enough you convince yourself that the lie is true, the lie becomes your new distorted reality.
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If you lie enough you convince yourself that the lie is true, the lie becomes your new distorted reality.
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If you lie enough you convince yourself that the lie is true, the lie becomes your new distorted reality.
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Some Punjabi and Sikh parents drink too much…
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If you lie enough you convince yourself that the lie is true, the lie becomes your new distorted reality.

The Family Secret

The Family Secret

‘She died of cancer’. That was the lie my dad told our neighbour when she asked how my mum had died. As the words poured out of my dad’s mouth, I stood silent in my own discomfort. Their conversation lasted for what felt like eternity. All the while I was wishing that the ground would swallow me up. We had many more interactions like this with neighbours, friends and family. Each time denying the truth of my mum’s addiction and keeping it a family secret.

She didn’t have cancer, she was an alcoholic and died of liver cirrhosis from heavy drinking when I was 14, but we never told anyone that, not even family members. I suppose that we both found it easier to hide the truth as it was a Pandora’s Box of painful, sad memories. Memories of the alcohol on her breath, of her getting emotionally and physically abusive, or worse, being in a medically induced coma before her death.

If you lie enough you convince yourself that the lie is true, the lie becomes your new distorted reality. So, this is how the secret began, most likely as a coping mechanism, allowing us to recreate a more palatable but delusional past for ourselves and allowing us to ignore the box of memories. A past that didn’t feel so shameful to share with others, one where we would get a reaction of sympathy rather than shock or judgement.

Hope

For more experience stories, find Support & Advice.

You are not alone

Remember the Six "C"s

I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices

Experiences

Becky

I didn’t have a choice as a child, but I do as an adult

Everyone commented on how funny and lovely she was but behind closed doors she was anything but.

Lydia

Racing Alone

Training alone. Racing alone. A poem by Lydia to give hope to COAs.

Yasmin Feussner

It wasn’t your fault

Please know that you are not the reason for your father’s rage.

Resources you may like

Parental Substance Use: Supporting School Aged Children

By Hannah Todman and Sarah Galvani (A BASW Practice Guide)

Twinkle, Twinkle Arti

By Danielle Slade

The 1 in 5 Documentary: A film about the forgotten children of alcoholics

By John Taylor

5-Step Self-Help Handbook for Family Members

By AFINet

Nacoa lunchtime lives

By Josh Connolly and special guests

Find Your Oasis – A collection of writing from those affected

By Various

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