You still have half of me

Time goes on like nothing happened. 

Everyone goes about their lives like nothing happened.

There are days even I go about my day like nothing happened.

But then it hits,

The suffocation, the anger, the pain. The feeling that if I don’t see you or hear your voice my heart will explode from inside of me.

I know it’s not possible but still there’s a part of me that hopes.

Hope? How can you hope for something you know can never happen?

I miss you not needing me.

I miss worrying about you.

I miss my every second thought being about you.

I miss the fact that my life revolved around you and how you were.

If you were doing good, I was doing good.

If you weren’t so good, then I was the same.

So wrapped up

Co-dependency I think it’s called, that thing where you get so wrapped up in trying to save someone from themselves that you let it take over you as well.

How can I miss something like that? Something that at the time was crushing me? Something that at the time absorbed half of my life.

I think because you always had half of me, even when things got too much and I couldn’t see you continuing to hurt yourself over and over again. When I had to back away or risk losing my whole self.

I think even then you still kept half of me, I still worried, I still tried to think of ways to help. I tried to find you reasons to want to fight, reasons for you to pick us over drink, reasons for you to just see that there could be a different path.

I think that’s why it’s so hard.

Even though I don’t have to worry about you anymore or try and fix you anymore, you still have half of me and I don’t know how to get that back.

I don’t blame you and I’ve never judged you, if anything I just always felt sorry for you. Towards the end, it wasn’t much of a life was it? 

You could have peace

There were days when I wished it would end for you so that you could have peace and when I think of that now I feel so ashamed for having them thoughts because now that it’s happened I wish for one more day with you, even if it was with the ‘you’ that was left at the end.

The only thought that gives me peace is that your free, free from addiction, free from drink controlling your life, free from your mental health problems and free from pain.

I’m jealous of everyone in heaven that gets to have the free version of you because he was amazing. He was loving, he was kind, he was funny and most of all he loved us.

I miss you daddy, always.

Patti

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