New Year and New Challenges

New year, and new challenges. This is something that I have been planning for some time but just did not have the courage to write my story.

Initially I thought sponsoring myself was the best option but realised that this defeats the purpose of running for a charity with the intention of spreading the name and cause.

I am running the London Landmark Half Marathon in April for the charity Nacoa, which stands for the National Association for Children of Alcoholics.

I am running this for my two amazingly strong and inspirational boys, who I am heartbroken to say have had to experience parental alcohol issues from both parents (not an easy thing to write).

I know there will come a day when they ask what happened

My boys lost their dad in May 2021 due to complications surrounding alcohol use.

At the time they were 3 and 1 and did not know what was going on. Just that one day their dad was there and the next he wasn’t.

My boys now 8 and 6 still do not know that alcohol was involved in their dad’s death. However I know there will come a day when they ask what happened.

From speaking to Nacoa and reading other heartbreaking stories, I know this charity will be there to help us deal with this when the time is right.

When my boys have questions that no one knows how to answer, like why wasn’t I enough?

As a parent, to know that there are people out there to support my boys through the many hard times they face, and to link them to other people who have been through similar experiences, so they don’t feel alone, brings some kind of comfort.

Unfortunately for my boys their experience did not stop there. I am deeply ashamed to say that they also had to experience this with their mum, me.

I turned to drink to numb the pain

Following the death of my husband, I found life extremely hard and could not find a way to cope.

I could not deal with my own grief let alone the grief of my boys. The world just seemed so overwhelming and impossible to cope with.

I turned to drink to numb the pain, to enable me to put on a fake smile so I didn’t come across sad. At the time I thought it made me a better person and a better parent.

It wasn’t until several years later that I realised this was a problem.

My boys had to go through things that no child should ever have to experience. I am deeply ashamed of that and for the rest of my life will be making up for the additional pain.

They wouldn’t know what mood I was going to be in or how I was going to be, something which is heartbreaking to admit.

I was desperate for support

The last 5 years for us have been challenging and extremely up and down. We have had many happy times throughout this period, and most people will be unaware of the battles that we have faced.

But also several traumatic experiences that have led us to this point.

I came across Nacoa when I was desperate for support. When I realised my way of coping was not a way of coping. More a self-destruction method and not something my boys should have to go through.

I am so glad I came across this charity as it gave me the push to turn our lives around, which I am so grateful to say we have managed.

I cannot bring their dad back

Reading so many of the stories of what children (both young and older children) have gone through is gut wrenchingly sad and made me realise that if I carry on then this will be my boys story.

I made the decision to stop drinking. To deal with the emotions, pain and trauma that I was trying to hide. To become the mum my boys truly deserved.

I cannot bring their dad back, but I can make sure they have the most present, focused and loving mum.

Now instead of using alcohol to numb feelings and to make me appear happy, to what in my head made me a better parent, I can genuinely say that we are happier now than what we have been in a long time.

My boys have their mum back

My boys have their fun, loving and adventurous mum back. I can smile and laugh without needing a drink. These now are genuine laughs, something I never thought possible at one point.

I am present for my boys not lost in my own head. They are two happy, healthy and safe little boys and that to me is all that matters.

The pain of the last 5 years is not something we can just forget. It will forever be something we will work on as the team of 3 that we are, with the help and support of Nacoa along the way.

It is through finding Nacoa that has given me the push to do something like this. I never imagined opening up in such a way with fear of the shame and judgement this would bring.

However I know this is needed to spread the word of this amazing charity.

I am running to support Nacoa

Unfortunately, there are and will in the future be many children who are going though or will go through similar experiences, many of whom we won’t realise are facing this at home.

This charity is there to support any child, however old so they do not have to deal with this alone. So they know that they are in no way to blame.

Nacoa offers many resources, one being their amazing support line that children can call to openly speak without any fear.

I am looking forward to joining this team this year in the hope to help as many as possible.

I am running to bring awareness of this amazing charity. To raise money to help the charity to continue to support as many as possible. To bring hope to others that things can change.

But for me most importantly I am running for Reggie and Alfie my two extremely strong, loving and caring boys who deserve the absolute best!!

You can donate to my JustGiving page by clicking here.

Harriet

To read more experience stories, go to Support & Advice.