It wasn’t your fault – A letter to my younger self

Hi Yasi

Please don’t be scared. It’s just me. You don’t need to hide in the corner, in the dark, in the cold.

Look at me Yasi, please don’t cry. Your tears are not because you have done something wrong. They are because you feel so alone, so neglected and so afraid to leave your safe corner…

Father’s rage

I understand why you are hiding. You feel petrified. But please know that you are not the reason for your father’s rage, particularly after the whisky, always after the wine.

It is so unfair that you receive the punches and relentless verbal abuse caused by his uncontrollable anger.

I wish you would let me come close to you. I wish you would let me wrap you up in the most tight loving embrace, one like you have never felt.

If you let me hold you tight, only then will I be able to tell you a story about your life to follow. 

Feeling helpless

There will be times when you will be unable to help your sister Sarah, particularly from the beltings she will receive for her open defiance.

The helplessness you felt then, is what will often cause you later on to play not only the persecutor, but also the victim. This is not your fault.

There will be times when you beg your father to stop, stop flaunting his relationships with other women. You cry when your mum opens her bedroom door some mornings black and blue. And once again, you will cry from feeling helpless from being unable to protect her. This later on is what makes you the carer.

The rage, the fear and instability that you will experience for years to come, will later teach you how to survive and somehow will always make you fight for what you believe is fair and right. 

It wasn’t your fault

It wasn’t your fault that your mum tried to end her life… Not the first time, not the tenth time but it is that final time that will affect you the most. That is the day, although she survived, her spirit didn’t.

She loved you, I understand that now that I am in recovery, just how much she loved you. The selfless devotion to your dad and the alcohol abuse that followed is what made her believe that you would be happier and safer somehow without her.

This will cause you an overwhelming fear of abandonment, that will continue throughout your life and make you subconsciously sabotage every relationship that you will go onto have. 

But you, my beautiful Yasi, my kind and giving little girl, will also go on to care for both of your parents through their terminal illnesses and when your siblings cannot bear the responsibility… Although this will be incredibly hard and evoke a pain greater than anything you have ever felt, one day that will subside and fade into an amazing sense of gratitude.

Validation and support

I wish I could give you the validation, the support, the attention you so desperately crave and deserve. I wish I could take away the hurt and despair. 

I can’t, but I can give you the warmth of an embrace that will somehow shield you through the loss of hope and terrible addictions that could have prematurely ended your life. 

But Yasi, I assure you, you will find peace. You will in time give your children the unconditional love that you so desperately craved.

I am so proud of you Yasi, for getting up again and again and fighting for what you believe is right. And for that you should be immensely proud. 

Yasmin Feussner

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